Alfred HitchTOK

The Sheep Detectives now showing at Alice Springs Cine-MAAAAH (heh) and starring EWE Jackman (ok I’ll stop), an appropriate casting choice since he spent many a year playing WOOL-verine (alright that is definitely the last one). Hugh is a vegan sheep farmer who finishes each day by reading detective novels to his flock of sheep voiced by Julia Louis Dreyfus, Bryan Cranston, Chris O’Dowd, Patrick Stewart and a whole bunch of other folk. When Hugh is murdered, the sheep use their talking animal wits to pair with hapless local plod Greg from Succession and narrow down the suspects including local inn owner Hong Chau, neighbouring Shepard Tosin Cole and Hugh’s long lost daughter Molly Gordon. New He-Man Nicolas Galzitine plays a reporter in town hoping to make his big break by covering the story. This was a lot of fun with a decent mystery which I did decipher but only minutes before the reveal. There is slapstick, good character works and also some surprisingly subtle sight gags (Neon anyone?) and I actually learned a lot about sheep! Not all of it factual as it turns out sheep can’t choose to forget stuff as is featured in the movie, but it works as a good plot point and allegory for addressing trauma. It is safe for little lambs but be aware there are some moments that go Watership Down level haaaaard.

A movie starring busty blonde barbarian babes, and twins no less, outta not be *this* boring. Mira and Mara (Leigh and Lynette Harris) are the twin offspring of evil Traigon (Robert Ballesteros), who plans to sacrifice them to gain ultimate green glowing eye powers. Dwarf Baldar (Bruno Ray), Barbarian Erlick (Roberto Nelson) and weirdo faun Pando (David Millbern) who is less Mr Tumnus and more Mr Dumbass, lend their swords (and pork sword in the case of Erlick) to protect the gals. But Traigon has help also in the form of evil sorceress Delissia (Ana De Sade - that has to be a stage name right?) Directed by Jack Hill under the pseudonym of Brian Stuart, feels like a D&D adventure crafted by a horny teenager, where all the random encounter rolls come up empty. It could have done with a lot more action, but there are some hilarious moments, like Mira and Mara twinning telepathy arising during a moment of intimacy and a ludicrous greased pole spike death trap. One star each for Lynette and Leigh Harris, who didn’t rise to superstardom here, the former playboy models were indicted in 1989 for evading tax on money received from and elderly millionaire in exchange for…uhh…companionship.

Happy Mother's Day to all the Mums out there doing an amazing job including my own Mum and my Wifey! On this day last year I watched the 1980 straight up gonzo hillbilly Troma lunacy that is Charles (Brother of Lloyd) Kaufman's Mother's Day and today I watched the loose 2010 remake from many a later Saw sequel director Darren Lynn Bousman. Jamie King and Frank Grillo play Beth and Daniel Sophapi (yes that is actually their character last name) whose house warming party is disrupted by gun toting previous owners the Koffin boys. Ike (Patrick John Flueger), Addley (Warren Kole) and bullet wound Johnny (Matt O'Leary) return home expecting to find a now foreclosed Mother (Rebecca De Mornay) and little sis Lydia (Karen Page), and make for mighty uncomfortable gatecrashers. Surely Mother will guide her children to do the right thing...for the right price. Tone is always important with this kinda stuff. The original had some pretty horrible content too, but it was carried along with a sense of OTT redneck absurdist humour. The remake takes itself way too seriously and adds some pretty uncomfortable psychological torture and moral quandry elements. If I can't even stomach this I am definitely not ready for Funny Games. Props for the Draino appearance though!

It’s good old Hollywood forever counting down to Collingwood’s 17th premiership and the day I can finally eat meat again Tonight we played the cats and it was ugly  So let’s jump right into tonight’s cat related review Paul Schrader’s Cat People starring the decidedly un-ugly Natassia Kinski.  A remake of the 1942 Jacques Tournier original, this was Released in 1982 which means I can also include this in Hitchtok 81 Part II: Hitchcock 82! counting down to my birthday of June 4th by watching a selection of movies from the year after the year of my birth: 1982!  Gift shop gal Irena is attracted to New Orelans Zoo curator Oliver (John Heard) but can’t consummate her love otherwise she will turns into a giant black panther and can’t turn back again until she kills someone. Some people like a post coital cigarette, others need a feline killing spree. According to cat people law she could sleep with her brother Paul (Malcolm McDowell) but ewww that’s really gross.  Schrader brings the sexual undertones of the original to the fore, with some kinky content and plenty of gore including Ed Begly Jnr getting his whole damn hand ripped off.  I watched this one with our cat Oreo!  Should I be worried…