Buffalo '66
After watching the film, I felt a surge of emotions and was compelled to write a personal review. This piece is primarily for myself, though perhaps someone else might find it relatable. It's less about the film itself and more about my own experiences. If you're interested in reading my personal story, please continue.
For a prolonged period, I was engulfed in a deep state of depression. I never sought therapy or any form of professional help, a decision I deeply regret. I can't definitively say whether I've overcome it or not, or if I'm still in its grasp. One thing I know for certain is that it will always find a way back to me, and I'll never know how or when. I'm still in my teenage years, and it's harrowing to think that I've endured, and perhaps am still enduring, such pain at such a young age.
I won't delve into every detail, as I want to keep this reflection somewhat general, allowing others who have faced similar struggles to see themselves in it. I was born into a dysfunctional family, lacking any semblance of familial support. My upbringing was marred by toxic relationships and a palpable absence of love and attention. I never received the affection I yearned for as a child, nor did I have any form of support. Much of my childhood was spent in violence and poverty, circumstances that have left lasting scars.
Despite being a social child who made friends easily, I often felt alienated within social circles. I preferred solitude, though it was a rarity. While I can't pinpoint the exact impact my family situation had on me, echoes of it linger. Perhaps I'm unable to fully analyze it because I'm not just an observer in this story; I lived it.
As I grew older, I became more reserved. I wouldn't initiate conversations or seek out company. I surrounded myself with a small social circle, yet each person felt distant. I dedicated a significant amount of time to intellectual pursuits, which only deepened my isolation. I began to notice a persistent sadness, a void that grew over time. I spent most of my free time alone, not out of necessity, but because it's what I desired. However, the environment I grew up in felt foreign and unwelcoming.
This sadness eventually evolved into something more profound. Around the autumn of 2022, I experienced intense physical exhaustion and constant irritability, which only worsened with time. By the summer of 2023, I believe I was at my lowest point. I struggled to get out of bed, sleeping between 9 to 13 hours daily, feeling utterly dreadful. During this period, I attempted suicide. Ironically, I received no support from those around me; they seemed incapable of understanding my plight, only adding to my burden.
Around that time, I developed a keen interest in philosophy, immersing myself in vast amounts of literature. In hindsight, this may have exacerbated my condition. I desperately needed someone in my life, a simple gesture of support or attention, someone to whom I mattered. I sought this in various places and people but never found it. Perhaps it's partly my fault; during such periods, one tends to deteriorate further, either through self-destruction or due to the body's own mechanisms.
Reflecting on it, I'm unsure if I truly needed all of that. That period was prolonged, and I realized that the only person who could instigate change was me. I can't precisely state what actions I took to feel better, but at some point, I did feel an improvement. Yet, the pain persists. In essence, I'm uncertain about my current state. I merely wanted to express what's been on my mind, and doing so has provided some relief. The end of this story remains unclear because I'm still navigating through it, albeit in a diminished state. Sometimes, the need to voice one's feelings becomes overwhelming. I'm not fond of doing so in person, and it's unlikely to offer solace, but expressing it in this manner seems the best approach. I'm glad to share my story. It's disheartening to realize that many have endured or are enduring similar experiences. I genuinely wish everyone the best and hope that things improve for all.
(This review remains unfinished; someday, I'll elaborate further on my state for my own understanding. For now, I feel a bit better having shared this.)