Before Sunset

*I was.. I was fine until I read your fucking book. It stirred shit up, you know? It reminded me how genuinely romantic I was, how I had so much hope in things. And now it's like I don't believe in anything that relates to love. I don't feel things for people anymore. In a way, I put all my romanticism into that one night, and I was never able to feel all this again. Like somehow this night took things away from me. I expressed them to you, and you took them with you. It made me feel cold, like if love wasn't for me. I don't believe that. I don't believe that. You know what? Reality and love are almost contradictory for me. It's funny. Every single of me exes, they're now married. Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married. Later they call me to thank me for teaching them what love is and that I taught them to care and respect women. I think I'm one of those guys. I want to kill them! Why didn't they ask me to marry them? I would've said no, but at least they could've asked! But it's my fault. I know it's my fault because I never felt it was the right man. Never. But what does it mean, the right man? The love of your life? The concept is absurd. The idea that we can only be complete with another person is evil, right? Can I talk? I guess I've been heartbroken too many times, and then I recovered. So now, you know, from the start, I make no effort because I know it's not gonna work out.* I have these dreams, you know, that um.. I'm standing on a platform, and uh, you keep going by on a train, and you go by, and you go by, and you go by, you go by. And I wake up with the fucking sweats, you know? And then I have this other dream, where you're pregnant in bed beside me, naked. And I want so badly to touch you, but you tell me not to. And then you look away and.. and I touch you anyway, right on your ankle and your skin is so soft and I wake up in sobs, alright? My wife is sitting there, looking at me, and I feel like I'm a million miles from her. And I know that there's something wrong, you know, that I- God, that I can't keep living like this, that there's gotta be something more to love than commitment. But then I think that I might have given up on the whole idea of romantic love, that I might have put it to bed that day when you weren't there. You know, I think I might have done that. This is so honest and dramatic and it's something I didn't know I needed.