Novitiate

“i don’t think it was a sin because it didn’t feel like a sin. it felt like how i’m supposed to feel.” I grew up in a Catholic family and my country is still extremely religious, so it's customary to indoctrinate children toward Catholicism. My parents, on the other hand, don't consider themselves religious, but rather believers, so they gave me the freedom to “choose” my beliefs. That phrase resonated deeply with me because growing up in an extremely religious environment (albeit indirectly), when I realized I was a lesbian, I questioned many things about myself, starting with whether I was a sinner. Over time and with much introspection, I understood that there's actually nothing wrong with yearning for love and connection with another person, even if some societies insist otherwise. On the other hand, there's that need to belong. From a young age, I felt aversion to the church and any religious concept due to the ideologies it holds, but I confess that the idea of being a nun didn't sound so bad, mainly because of the part about not marrying any man (something my little self didn't understand back then). So I deeply understood Cathleen's desire to become a nun, mainly because of the part about finding love and a place to belong. “please, comfort me. please. please, comfort me.” That feeling of being starved inside and yearning for something that at some point you don't know what it is or don't dare to name. I think yearning it's a universal lesbian experience, which can be passionate and beautiful at some points, but it can also be a torturous agony, so that scene, yearning for comfort, really got to my bones and felt it deep in my soul.