First Reformed

Before anyone embarks on the journey that is my initial thoughts after this film. Just know that I am not someone who will ever fully understand this movie and appreciate what it has to say. It is resonating with me for reasons that I try to explain but I’m also just a sucker for great movies. It’s a thought provoker for sure but the thoughts it provokes don’t really fully wrap their tendrils through my head. I’m merely just an idiot without faith so please don’t listen to me. These words just appeared. I’m sitting with my eyes wide and mouth open just thinking about this masterpiece. I’ve read countless reviews and articles about First Reformed in the few minutes since completing it and I feel like I’m coated in it. In the feeling of the thing. It won’t go away. And I’m not mad. When a film makes me unsettled in a way like this - I don’t think unsettled is the right word but pish posh - I just eat it up. I feel my heartbeat and the air on my skin. Everything’s heavy. This film is heavy. But it’s not just the theme of it all; and the dread and despair in certain moments - Although it’s not just all dreadful. There is a lot hope in the crevices, alas what do I know, this theme is very unfamiliar to me. It’s the way this was served and fed to the audience. There is something so gruelling and yet exhilarating about the cinematography and design of it. The stillness and then the breaking of the stillness. The quiet. And then the surge of sound and music, breaking the rules you grow so comfortable with as time passes. It’s odd. And I’m really thinking. Thank you Schrader. I need to do more of that. I may not fully grasp this or even begin to understand the simplist details, not just the big picture, but I can say that it is going to stick with me. I honestly don’t know what exactly is sticking with me though. I just know that I’m going to keep thinking back on this film and remember elements that intrigued me or things that I don’t understand or profound moments that just made me feel something even if I’m unsure of what that something is. Anyway. I’ve rambled about nothing for long enough. sorry. I’m also not and never have been a religious person, however, at this point Ethan Hawke is basically my god