First Reformed

"I have decided to keep a journal. Not in a word program or digital file, but in longhand, writing every word out so that every inflection of penmanship, every word chosen, scratched out, revised, is recorded. To set down all my thoughts and the simple events of my day factually and without hiding anything. When writing about oneself, one should show no mercy. I will keep this diary for one year; 12 months. And at the end of that time, it will be destroyed. Shredded, then burnt. The experiment will be over." First Reformed is unholy. It tells the story of a priest who is shunned out by his own rules that even once he defrosts (as shown metaphorically by his car, starting with it covered in snow which seems to gradually decrease as he interacts more with Mary in particular), he still cannot quite balance the idea of being a God man and a decent man. For him, the two seems to overlapse, his belief being his main motivation to question whether or not God will forgive humans for what they've done on Earth and about the importance to be someone, like Michael, who is brave enough to do something that for once is right. His idea to strap bombs on himself, have its threat hidden under his liturgical vestments (a symbol of religion in itself) becomes the next level of extreme that Reverend Toller is willing to go to in justification of his selflessness, and in someway narcissism too. As he brings himself closer to society, he quickly recognizes that faith in the capitalist era has become more of a market (trinkets, even the volunteering organizations, a shield for environmentally threatening oil business). The more he dwells with it, the more of his supposed ideals (God, church) he loses, not to also mention his worsening sickness (his life in the church is flawed, and he desperately needs a change). His religious framework, instead of helping him expand, wraps around his despair and radicalizes it. In his twisted, deteriorating mind, dying for a cause is easier than doing the messy, vulnerable work of actually living--aiming for a grand, cosmic, violent exit because he is too proud to admit he is just another ordinary man who longs for saving.