Genie

I’m not gonna glaze this film just because Markiplier made it.  The first half is genuinely unbearable. Shots linger for far too long and the cinematography is overall self-indulgent. Each opportunity for the protagonist to express emotion is spent with markiplier putting his head in his hands and the camera panning away so that the audience doesn’t see how bad the acting is. The worst thing a film can be is boring and this first half was excruciatingly so. Simon will go down in movie history as one of the stupidest horror protagonists of all time. This film expects the audience to be braindead stupid but also psychic.  The revelation that the camera uses x-rays comes way too early and ruins all tension going forward. Despite knowing that the camera uses x-rays both Simon and the crew continue talking about the mysteriously moving skeleton as impossible despite KNOWING the camera can only see bones even on living organisms. In this case, the film prays that the audience is stupid enough to not realise that the “skeleton” is a big monster (even though it literally rocked the whole submarine in the scene prior) the movie then drops incomprehensible dialogue and lore that make no sense to someone who hasnt played the game. None of the lore ads anything to the film and actively damaged my engagement with it. The second half wasnt much better but I was more willing to ignore the cringe-inducing Marvel one-liners, terrible acting, and instagram colour grading because the plot actually started moving forwards. When Simon is trapped inside the “cave” I couldnt help but think how fucking stupid he is the entire time. Especially at the drastic incline to get out.  Markiplier floundering around in fake blood for the last 10 minutes was honestly just fine. Not enough to save this over self-indulgent, boring, confusing movi*e.* * * * * * * *bad acting, atrocious pacing, a horror movie without any horror, mixing so ass that it’s difficult to make out dialogue (giving theatrical Tenet a run for its money),  
a short film concept dragged out over two hours, 
some of the worst lighting in a theatrically released film. * *- another review*