Conclave

Robin Williams, 2009:And the moment the Pope dies, they take him through Saint Peter’s Basilica and 50,000 cell phones are like… [clicking] and I’m sure that was his last wish. “when I die, I want to be a screen saver.” And then what happens? The College of Cardinals, they all go into a small dark room and the only thing that comes out is smoke. And I’m going, “what are you doing in there?” And I believe they have da Vinci’s hookah. And they’re inside getting a little loaded, going… [inhaling] “I got a crazy idea. No no no, wait wait wait! Wait, listen, this is crazy. No, wait! The last Pope was Polish, right? Yeah, no, wait– this is a good one! Hold on. How about this? No, wait, this is crazy. How about this? A Nazi!” [laughs] “no no, Hitler youth. It’s like boy scouts with artillery. It’s great! It’ll scare the shit out of the Jews. They’ll be like, ‘oy!'” And I was hoping, rather than a German Pope, they would do something cool like a Latin american Pope, man. That would have been cool, like Pope Enrique. Yeah! That would be cool. And he’d have the cool pope-mobile Like, “Ave Maria! Check it out– [scatting ]” or a Brazilian Pope, ’cause then you could have the samba nuns in the thongs Going, “come on back to the church. Come on back to the church. You know you want to come back to the church. Come on back to the church.” I’m sure the kids would go, “fuck the internet! I’m going back to church.” But it’s weird. The Vatican and homosexuality– oil, water. The Pope is always, “homosexuality is an abomination.” Time out. “you’re the Pope?” “yes.” “you’re dressed like Freddy Mercury’s stunt double. Your purse is on fire and you’re surrounded by hundreds of boys. And you’ve had kind of a problem in the after-school area.”