The Da Vinci Code

i genuinely can’t tell if dan brown is a genius… or just completely insane. maybe both?? this movie is like watching a wikipedia spiral. every five minutes someone is like “actually the louvre is a giant map” or “this painting is hiding jesus’ wife” and you just have to go with it. tom hanks gives major “confused professor who hasn’t slept in three days but still solves ancient conspiracies” energy. respect. audrey tautou deserved more. she was like “your grandfather was in a secret cult protecting the holy grail and also you might be jesus’ great-great-grandniece” and just went with it. no questions :) sir ian mckellen absolutely ate his little chaotic evil tea party scenes. like “ah yes, welcome to my mansion. let me casually explain how the vatican has been hiding the truth for 2,000 years while i make you uncomfortable.” the pacing? deranged. the plot? even more deranged. the vibes? immaculate. this film has no business being this dramatic. like calm down, it’s just christianity. also shoutout to the albino monk assassin for being the most terrifying and unnecessary character of all time. i will never forgive that scene. final thought: if i ever discover i’m part of a 2,000-year-old religious bloodline i’m immediately logging off 4 stars for sheer conspiracy-fueled ambition and the fact that it somehow works. dan brown if you’re reading this — i have questions. and also, maybe you should lie down.