Paint Drying

Hello I’m not sure how to start this, so I’ll jump right ahead to spilling my guts out on the internet  Mutuals if u see this no u didn’t  I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse than I do now. I hate my body more and more each passing day and I wish that I was just strong enough to ask my mom to go on HRT but I know I can’t yet. I feel like I’m too weak to actually be taken seriously.  I can’t think straight. My bobica died a year ago and it’s only really hitting me now, when I need her the most. She was my third parent and the one I saw the most. I think she’s still one of the only people I’ve ever felt comfortable around. But she’s gone and she can’t help me. I don’t know why people expect so much of me I’m just a fourteen year old who can’t even write this stupid review without crying. The theatre program I’m in, which I usually love being apart of, chose me as the understudy for the lead lead role and decided to tell me last minute. We follow the same deadlines and I’m also balancing another lead that I was originally cast as. It’s honestly a miracle I’ve made it so far into the practices without breaking down but I can feel myself reaching the breaking point. Every day the pressure in my chest gets heavier and I start to dread participating in rehearsals at all. It’s worse when they have to treat my voice different than the guy who actually plays the lead because his voice is naturally low. It’s the stupidest thing to get dysphoric about because I know men with high voices exist but it hurts anyway. My teacher fucking sucks so hard I don’t even want to talk about her. I’m losing interest in everything I used to be so passionate about, I can’t even hammer out one stupid drawing or song.  If you’ve managed to read this far, wow I am so sorry for dumping that on you, and thank you for listening to my pity party.  10/10 movie btw jan 2026 edit: hello from the future. things have gotten marginally better since i wrote this review last, and i guess ill talk about them one by one here 1: The Dysphoria hahahahaa okay so this hasn’t gotten much better but i’ve gotten okay-er at managing it, i’ve started voice training and and working out and i’ve started to pass more in public !!!!! 2: Home Life yeah i still miss my bobica dearly. she was my entire world and i stand by what i said before in my review, with her gone i only feel a gnawing null chomping at my guts when i try to think about her, but it is getting better. i know ive just finished raving about how much it hurts to have her gone but i cant help but think about how much she loved me and how she’s always with me (in some way). so it is getting better somehow. my parents have divorced by now so it’s still not great and we might move which ahhahahahah no please do not make me move but it’s alright i guess. they probably needed the divorce and i don’t think they were wrong to, i just wish they had kept me more updated. (they went from saying “oh it’s a rough patch” to not talking about it anymore and sitting down me and my brother like two months later to tell us they’re divorving.  so it came out of the blue to me, but they seem a bit happier apart so i guess i’ll move on.) 3: Theatre YOU CAN BET YA BOY NAILED BOTH OF THOSE ROLES !!!!!!!! shoutout to my vocals for letting me just sing high notes with a strong support to make them sound masculine !!!!! but performing as two leads sucked so bad to do so 0/10 would not recommend in a million years ever again 4: School I started high school! this is actually a high point in the review, my school is very gay and thus much more supportive and safer than my previous school (oh…….the horrors………). my french teacher was the only one that sucked but i finished her exam and i don’t ever have to see her again yeeaAAAAAAHHH !!!!!!! woot woot 5: Interests i’ve picked up a couple more hobbies and let myself have room to breathe creatively, i think my problem before was trying to force myself to make art and stifling myself at a time where i was already very run dry creatively, ive since gained many many more motivations to be creative and participate in the arts (like my beautiful glorious king rami malek) and i’ve grown to be much happier in that regard 6: OVERALL things are still tough. they always will be. but it’s nice to look back on a time where it was truly so much worse and reflect on how far you’ve come. to whoever has read this far: i applaud you. i don’t know how you’ve managed to rake through my self-loathing enough to get this far but please know that i appreciate you greatly for it. also i read perks of being a wallflower and started developing actual good taste in books and movies. okay, see you later.  love always,  mars q.