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Marty Ceoltóir
@martyceoltoir
In a desolated part of rural Ireland, a young Marty Ceoltóir got BITTEN (NOOOO!!!) on their left hand by a DVD copy of Shaun of the Dead directed by my KING Edgar Wright… OH NO!!! Infected with radioactive toxins, they slowly began morphing more and more into the freakishly DEMONIC movie-loving creature they’ve become today. HERE BELOW… is a way-too-long detour into one person’s deeply emotional reflection on their life story with movies… LET’S BEGIN!!!! My first true relationship with movies came from watching horribly cheesy 2000s-era action B-movies with my father. He’s always been the stereotypical action-movie guy: huge explosions, cheesy one-liners, and surprisingly solid action sequences that are still entertaining to this day. Meanwhile, I’d just sit there getting blasted with loud noises, flashing lights, and crude, often offensive humor for days straight. And I absolutely LOVED IT!!! To be fair, though, I was young and immature and didn’t know any better. Now I’m older, wiser… and still don’t know any better. Even if those movies aged horribly, it was still heartwarming seeing younger me bond with my dad through cinema. He’s definitely the “watch every installment of the Fast & Furious franchise” type. But give him one Lars von Trier movie and the man would probably have a heart attack. Our tastes in cinema always clashed. I remember asking my dad if we could watch Funny Games. He only saw the title and said yes. I WAS SEVEN. (NEVER LET YOUR KIDS WATCH FUNNY GAMES UNTIL THEY’RE AT LEAST 17!!! DON’T DO IT!!! I’M STILL TRAUMATIZED TO THIS DAY!!!) But that still wasn’t the true beginning of my obsession with movies, because before that I had another huge obsession that I still descend into like Indy exploring cursed ruins in a deep dark mountain across the world. That mountain being the GLORIOUS world of…MUSIC!!! I’ve always loved music, even before movies. I remember becoming obsessed with my brother’s taste in music because he loved rap, so naturally I started listening to rap too Well… my version of rap. NERDCORE And honestly? It was AWESOME Then I turned 10 and, like every dramatic teenager ever, decided I hated the world and wanted to overthrow capitalism or something. So naturally I drifted toward louder music: rock, punk, grunge, and metal, My first real introduction to heavier music was actually through The Punk Singer, that movie pushed me deeper into punk music, and eventually into bands like Will Wood and the Tapeworms, System of a Down, TesseracT, Cruachan, Tool, and even lighter stuff like Plumtree and Ben Folds and ska bands like Reel Big Fish. But I’ve always been drawn most toward loud, feminine punk music. You know women screaming into microphones while absolutely DESTROYING their guitars has always felt like my spirit animal. Like RIOT GRRRL (without the racism) At one point I wanted to become a music producer. I even took courses to become THE GREATEST DRUMMER THIS UNIVERSE HAS EVER WITNESSED IN ITS MORTAL EXISTENCE!!! But eventually depression crept in around the time the pandemic swallowed the world whole. OH NO!!! IT’S JUST LIKE 28 Days Later!!! AAAAAHHHH!!! Okay, maybe not exactly. But movies genuinely became my shield against the horror of the world around me. Not just during the pandemic, but in general. Once I got infected by the cursed DVD, I started fitting in less and less. And honestly… who wouldn't want to be friends with a 13-year-old who watches Gaspar Noé movies while listening to punk music and screaming, “MY DAD HATES ME!!!” Any takers? No? Okay, my apologies. I’ll leave forever now. But eventually I learned to embrace that weirdness instead of hiding it. And a huge part of that came from QUEER PUNK CINEMA filmmakers like Gregg Araki were massive inspirations to me growing up. Their work showed little freaky me that you could be weird and cool at the same time IT’S MAGICAL!!! And hey, I actually do have friends now. A few close ones. Even a best friend. Kate... She’s the best. She never watches movies, which is honestly tragic, but I get it. Still, imagine having a best friend you could watch movies with for HOURS while just enjoying each other’s companyyyyy…wooowowowwow Now let’s jump forward into the future. WHERE IS MARTY CEOLTÓIR NOW??? HAS ANYONE SEEN THEM??? MISSING PERSON REPORT!!! WHAT DO WE DO NOW??? I’m joking again. But honestly? I think I’ve finally reached a point where I feel comfortable being myself. I’m my own Mount Rushmore, and I’m proud of it. I raise my freak flag high with one hand and hold a KICKASS sword in the other while staring heroically into the sky as a rainbow appears behind me and a massive crimson dark red dragon bursts over the horizon breathing fire everywhere. …Okay, maybe that’s a little much. Hopefully not though. I know I’m weird. I’ve always known that. I just hope I don’t come across as annoying because of it, you know? Anyway, that was one very long thread about my life through the lens of the thing I love most besides friends, family, and day-to-day existence. Sorry for the giant wall of text. But I love writing. And if you actually read all of this, which honestly, I doubt you did I LOVE YOU!!! Because that means you’re my people. MY FOLK!!! And that automatically makes us friends.
Recent activity
Corpse Bride9.0May 15
I love how skeletal this movie is. I always love a huge gray sucker punch of skeletons being thrown directly in my face, and this movie absolutely delivers. Anyways, Corpse Bride. To note, I already had high hopes going into it. But the moment I heard the second song and fully got pulled back into that classic Tim Burton style, I immediately thought, “Now this is what I wanted.” It completely exploded my expectations with all the cobwebs, skeletons, and gothic atmosphere. Once again, this is a stellar Burton flick. It’s another fantastic dive into Burton’s style of gothic romance, and I love it. The movie is deeply emotional, hilarious, and just an all-around great time. First and foremost, if it’s Tim Burton, you know you’re getting Danny Elfman involved. And once again, he delivers a stellar, bone-chilling soundtrack filled with gothic whimsy and jazzy skeletal chaos. “Remains of the Day” is such a banger, and the skeleton singing it feels so Tom Waits/Will Wood coded. The bass and saxophone on that track are nasty as hell too. Another magnificent score by the king himself. Also, why is it that every time I watch a shorter stop-motion Tim Burton film, it feels way too short and the ending always annoys me? Not because it’s bad, but because I don’t just want more. I need more. GIVE ME MORE!!! I honestly don’t even know how to explain this movie beyond saying I love it. Most people already know this is a true classic and one of the defining staples of Burton’s career. There’s truly no fucking with Burton. A master of his craft. The Master of the Whimsical Macabre.
The Mitchells vs. the Machines10.0May 15
**OH MY GOD!!!** This might be one of the greatest pieces of cinema ever crafted by the gods themselves. I mean: a performatively gay film kid with daddy issues, a Talking Heads needle drop, TWO Kill Bill references. **FUCKING TWO!!! **Gravity Falls cast, wacky, loud energy, quirky “lé random” humor… which is basically my exact sense of humor. Also, Katie having all these performative phases from ultra femininity, to cowboy aesthetics, to even a ska phase. I HAD A SKA PHASE!!! God, how did my father never realize I liked boys? Speaking of ska, Reel Big Fish would’ve been the PERFECT needle drop for this movie. Imagine “Suckers” **OH!!! I SEE THE VISION!!!** Anyways, The Mitchells vs. the Machines. I’m genuinely angry at myself for waiting this long to watch this fucking masterpiece. The plot is insane, and the animation and color grading are some of the best I’ve ever seen. That whole PAL lab sequence, genuinely looking like a Journey album cover (Good note Dad!) mixed with a Tron aesthetics. Absolutely gorgeous. I love how everything is so bright, colorful, chaotic, and fun. This movie is just such a fucking... **BLAST!!!** I also think I have the same pride pin Katie has. What an emotional roller coaster this movie is. Within the first ten minutes, I was already emotional, while also laughing harder than I have in ages. If anyone walked into my room while I was watching this, they probably would’ve thought I was a psychopath. This movie is **EXACTLY** my style of humor. The reassurance video while the humans are being sent into the pods? Perfect. No notes. And the… **MUSIC!!!** Not just the needle drops, but the score too. First off, some standout music choices: **BANGS, GRIMES, QUINCY FUCKING JONES!!! **absolutely incredible selections. But the score especially blew me away. Those deep, growling electronic textures and synthetic layers giving everything that futuristic sci-fi atmosphere. Absolutely transcendent. I felt like I ascended hearing that shit for the first time. The Mitchells vs. the Machines is a true motherfucking classic. Easily one of the greatest animated films ever made, and honestly my personal favorite. It’s hilarious, emotional, visually stunning, and filled with some of the most relatable characters and themes I’ve seen in a movie. I genuinely felt seen in all the worse places. Truly, Lord and Miller are the true… **SAVIORS OF MODERN CINEMA!!!**
Heathers10.0May 10
Just wait before my school cancels because I’m the head of a repressed homosexual suicide pact. As well as this movie being more quotable than any chick flick, including Mean Girls, Clueless, and even But I'm a Cheerleader combined or any shitty Quentin Tarantino cum dump. I imagine him crying himself to sleep because he knows he could never have written a line like, “Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.” I just love it whenever Winona Ryder.
The Nightmare Before Christmas10.0May 1
This lovely, magnificent little darkly whimsical tale of horror and hope probably helped modern kids, while maybe even disturbing some while also being the perfect example of both a Halloween film and a Christmas movie all together. Finally, I have watched this classic, even if it is smack dab in the beginning of summer. Anyways, ***Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.*** This is a gothic, gloomy bohemian of polarizing beauty, a stop-motion epic that brings humor, warmth, and love to a cold and terrifying world created by fog and old architecture. Based on characters and poetry by Tim Burton, it shows the truly amazing and deeply emotional side of his work. Also, the direction by Henry Selick is incredible. It’s kind of sad how little credit he gets, because he did it so well, crafting and sculpting the scraps of Burton’s story to perfection. Most people think Burton directed it. This is also one of the smoothest examples of stop-motion animation I’ve ever seen. The point where Jack crashes at the cemetery and sings by a statue, and the camera pans around, was mind-blowing. Stop motion has always been one of my favorite styles of animation, as well as one of the most impressive. This film shows gloomy goodness with absolute committed pride, and it’s not only a magnificent story and musical, but also one of the most visually stunning pieces of cinema and animation I’ve ever seen. Every shot, character, and piece of architecture is just blooming with personality, from the darkness of Halloween Town to the brightness of Christmas Town. It not only shows the difference, but also just how fucking genius the team is. Now, this is a musical, of course, so let’s talk music. Headed up front by the amazing, talented **THE GOD!!!** of whimsical movie composition, Danny Elfman. He crafted this score and music to absolute perfection. There are no duds this is all bangers. From the chanting “**This Is Halloween,**” to the groovy “**Oogie Boogie Song**,” the fast-paced, questioning “**What’s This**,” as well as “**Jack’s Lament**,” which at a certain part sounds like **Will Wood and the Tapeworms’** “**Dr. Sunshine Is Dead**.” Which makes sense, given how big a fan Will is of Tim Burton. **TWINNNN!!!** At the end of the day, The Nightmare Before Christmas is a bonafide classic. A true staple of stop motion, of Tim Burton’s eye, of gothic beauty, a downright magnificent musical. Just a feast of no-notes mayhem. And I absolutely love it. Also, how the fuck did Disney approve this? I mean, the whole story involves Santa getting kidnapped, Oogie Boogie being made of insects, and just Halloween Town all together. Damn, Disney you used to be so beautiful.