Conor

8/100 This should be 2.5 stars based on how my scale reads, but I am setting a precedent here because fuck this movie. Let’s tackle the good before the bad and I am spoiling this movie for you where I see fit. You’re welcome.  Maika Monroe, Kyra Sedgwick and Jeffrey Donovan did their absolute best with the boring script they were given. These characters were well defined, well acted and overall pretty interesting. I would also give a nod to Blake Baumgartner who I think nailed the goal of SweetiePie.  Next I think it ended correctly. The last scene should’ve always been the last scene regardless of the 85 minutes before it. Another good scene was the first meeting between the two sides with a particular nod to the salesmen speech. I watched this movie based on the preview of this scene and I was so interested that I stopped watching the preview and started the movie instantly. Probably the best writing of the movie and honestly a more interesting sounding movie than what we got.  NOW LETS TALK ABOUT WHAT I DON’T LIKE!!! I had to stop myself from going into the bad earlier because while the characters were good, the actors who played them were given fuck all to work with writing wise. Everything about how vile these people are is told and not shown aside from a brief camcorder moment in the beginning of the movie that comes off more as an easter egg than a moment to care about. I understand there’s a whole fucking kid in the basement, but when all parties are suspect you need to do a little more work. ALSO YOU HAVE THESE TWO AWESOME ACTORS DOING GREAT CHARACTER WORK. FUCKING USE IT. You could’ve opened with them kidnapping the kid in a flashback we don’t know is a flashback yet before the title card starts. How about showing us that scene in the camcorder. Fucking anything.  Next, and this may be a polarizing take, I am not convinced that Bill Skarsgard is a good actor. In fact. I would go as far to say that if he’s not wearing prosthetics in the movie, to skip it because it probably sucks. His performance is so phoned in I was worried I was going to be charged roaming fees.  Also, and this is my least favorite part of the movie surprisingly, what the fuck was the music??? Every scene had background music. Did it fit the scenes? FUCK NO IT DIDN’T ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE TONE I AM ESTABLISHING HERE??? More tone than this movie had I’ll tell you that. Because why build tension in your child kidnapping bad guy fight movie? You wanted your comedy thriller to be thrilling??? What is this, a good movie??? NO THIS IS VILLAINS. Shut up and eat your Shepard’s Pie you fuck wagon.  ALSO WHY DIDN’T JULES TAKE THE MONEY WITH HER. Don’t tell me they did. It was in the fucking bag which they didn't have at the end.  ALSO WHY ARE THE CLEARLY MURDEROUS SOCIOPATHS SO BAD AT BEING MURDEROUS SOCIOPATHS. Gloria I understand, but George should be pulling these strings and making the tough decisions. You don’t need to go full funny games, but fuck help me suspend a little disbelief here. I’m a pro wrestling fan. I’m an easy get. Also Gloria has clearly done the seduction bit before. How do we know this? BECAUSE SHE IS TELLING GEORGE SHE WANTS TO DO THIS AGAIN!!! Maybe George was shooting blanks. More interesting than “god didn’t have that in the cards for us”. Toxic Masculinity Murderer and a Ride or Die who gets their kicks on being a dommy mommy. THERE’S GOOD SHIT HERE!!! This could’ve been an awesome movie. The idea, I thought, would write itself, but clearly that’s not the case which is a shame because THIS IS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA!!! If you’re going to make a comedy. Make me laugh. If you’re going to make a thriller. Thrill me. If you’re going to make a comedy-thriller. Don’t make Villains. Or DO and just do it right. This has every potential to be a classic.  P.S. Below is a list of what you could’ve done to enhance this movie. Obviously, not all of these would fit, but life’s a puzzle. Pick your favorite pieces and go make a better movie.   1. The opening scene being them kidnapping the kid.  2. Have this be not the first child they’ve kidnapped, but Gloria keeps wanting a new one because they never feel quite like hers and SweetiePie is the current kid that’s about to be tossed. Make it clear that they’ve definitely killed the previous kids with graves or a tote of old clothes from the past kids if you don’t wanna show it. It’s clear you weren’t interested in showing. 3. The dumb cop sthick is so tired, so don’t do that or have it be something that actually builds tension and pointing a gun at someone’s back without them knowing or poorly closing a door DOES NOT COUNT!!! I think it would’ve been more interesting as a pure 2v2 with no other characters besides the kid, but if you’re going to do a random character make it a church member or something asking about a missing kid. Maybe they get distracted when a shoe is thrown outside a window. Investigate and then they get got.  4. Don’t make the store clerk faint. Have Bill Skarsgard kill the guy. Make the fight between the villains interesting and with the possibility that it’s an even fight even though it’s clearly not.  5. The least interesting murder weapon is a gun and that single gun was all we got. I would do a second weapon at any point. I don’t even care what it is. Just have it.  6. Make it clear that the ones who look like the good people are truly vile and the ones who look like lowly criminals actually have a heart. WORK WITH THE DICHOTOMY BETTER! 7. Literally anything is better music wise.  8. How about a single fight scene. YOU DIDN’T EVEN BREAK A CHAIR, LET ALONE A TABLE!  9. The backstory we did get about the doll was interesting. Gloria was given a backstory to justify the trauma. WHY WAS SHE THE ONLY ONE. WHY WAS GEORGE COOL WITH THIS TRAUMA THAT STARTED BEFORE THEY WERE TOGETHER. ALL GREAT QUESTIONS, BUT ALAS.  This is by far my longest review I have done and I plan to keep it that way (I hope).

Loved this movie just as much on the second watch. Got to see things missed from the first watch.  All in all a great time and a new addition to my top 4.

7/100 This is the textbook definition of 2.5 stars for me.  Theres a decent movie here, but the issues it has drags it down considerably. The main issue is the writing needs work. Its framework, rules and general pacing is a little too Final Destination and if you’re gonna do a FD knockoff at least have Mr. Todd.

I have a goal to watch forty movies from 2026 (yes I know I’m behind, back off). This is number 1! I thought this movie was good. I think the killer twist was a good idea on paper that didn’t translate as well as one would’ve hoped. The rest of the framework though was great.  I do think if the killers were a different pair it could’ve worked better for so many reasons, but that’s neither here nor there. My current Scream ranking is as followed.  1 5 - 2 - 6 and 7 (not sure yet) - 4 - 3