Moonlight

it’s waking up wondering who you are, or at least who you will be. today or in the future. it’s getting called names that you don’t even know the meanings of, and the connotations behind. it’s the invisible strain they say you have on them but that you can’t feel or see. just because of who i am? it’s smoking with your best friend late at night on the beach, where all the secrets and deep shit come out. it’s discovering other boys can feel emotions too, and that you’re not a freak because you cry when you’re hurt. its the ache of having yourself be the reason for all your pain but knowing you can’t change it or how others feel about it. it’s wanting the intimacy but being too afraid of it. or it’s the intimacy that becomes soulless. it’s having to always apologize for being yourself. it’s the fear of letting go of your past, therefore holding you back and allowing it to define you for too long.  it’s the feeling that you can’t escape.  it’s the god awful fucking hookup culture. its always playing the role you’ve been forced into. its having to keep it everything a secret.    its watching the boy you poured your heart out to the night before now beating you miserably. it’s the way how nobody knows!!!! its finally getting the chance to fight back only to end up being called the bad guy. its just saying “i love you”, why is it so hard? it’s seeing him again after a while. too much feels different. it’s all the emotions and feelings coming back in a new way. it’s letting the pain be a mask instead of a push. it’s wishing you’d forget what was supposed to be the happiest part of your life, in order to get better. it’s the sound of the waves. AND ITS A BEST PICTURE WINNER BEING ABOUT GAY MEN OF COLOR!!!!! truly some of the best performances i’ve ever seen, seriously… all of chiron’s actors (trevante rhodes you sexy beast), kevin’s actors (JHARELL JEROME!!) and naomie harris all stood out to me!!! so brilliant… they really speak for themselves. i can’t even comment on anything specific because everything is terrific! barry jenkins you absolute legend. i don’t know how to even feel if i should hate you or love you (both) (love you). his masterful storytelling is something to be studied. being gay is one of the best and worst things to happen to me srsly