Pearl

Howard… I hate you so much for leaving me here, sometimes I hope you die. I’m sorry. I feel terrible admitting it, but it’s the truth. I was curious about other men. I’m sure you don’t want to hear about some stranger satisfying your wife, and I swear it was just the one time. It was a mistake. It wasn’t him I wanted. I know that now. And I wish things could go back to the way they were, but I don’t see how they could, not after the things I’ve done. Ah, Howard. I realize how this must all sound. Honestly, there was a time when I was flattered that someone as handsome as you would pine for me. You’re a good person. I know that. I made sure to always be aware of your heart. I never wanted you to feel jealous. It’s a horrible feeling, like a rot, the way it just twists and turns inside you. I know that pain all too well. I’m sorry. Every time I see other people whose lives are easy because the truth is I’m not really a good person. The reason I kept my eyes on the ground when I was with other men was never to avoid hurting you. It’s because I understood how lucky I was to have your attention. I may be a poor farm girl, Howard, but I’m not stupid. I saw you the moment you came to live with us. You worked hard like the other farmhands, but you were different. You’re from somewhere. A nice, comfortable place that you could come back to whenever you wanted. I’m so desperate to have that. My whole life I wanted to get off this farm and you were my ticket out. So… I made sure I didn’t let you see who I really was. That worked like a charm, too. Then when you finally brought me back to your house to meet your family, it was just as I expected. A life straight out of the photographs. At least that’s what it felt like to me. And you didn’t want it. You just wanted to stay here on our farm and that made me so angry. How could you? I'm sure you knew I hated it, you must have. How could you be so selfish and cruel after all I've done to make you happy? I was even pregnant with your baby. I never wanted to be a mother. I hated the feeling of it growing inside me. It felt like a disease. Pulling at me and sucking me dry like a needy animal in a barn. How could I be responsible for another life? Life terrifies me. It's hard and bleak and exhausting. I was so relieved when he died. It was one less weight keeping me trapped here, but then the war came and you left me too. Why did you leave me, Howard? I hate feeling that way. So pathetic. Do people like you ever feel that way? I imagine not. You seem so perfect all the time. The Lord must have been generous to you. He never answers any of my prayers. I don't know why. What did I do? What's wrong with me? Please tell me so I can improve. I don't want to end up like mama. I want to dance on the screen like the pretty girls in the pictures.I want so badly for what they have to be perfect, for me to be loved by as many people as possible to make up for all the time I spent hurting. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and fear washes over me, because what if this is it? What if this is right where I belong? I am a failure. I am not naturally pretty or nice or friendly. I am not smart or funny or confident. I am exactly what Mom said I was: weak. I don’t know why. What did I do? Why wasn’t my family like yours? I hate what it feels like to be me and not you. I am so afraid that when you finally get home, you will see me and be scared like everyone else. I know what I’ve done, the bad things, the terrible, scary, murderous things. I regret them now, but I liked the way they felt. I wish I hadn’t, but I did. At first they were just animals smaller than me. Nothing with feelings. Nothing that could hurt me. It felt right. Killing is easier than you think, until recently with Mom and the movie theater boy. They were different. They were more meaningful. I hurt them so they'd know what it feels like to hurt, too, but poor Dad didn't deserve that. I wish I hadn't done what I did. Mom meant well. She had a hard life. She just wanted a home where she could feel safe. I can see that. I thought I hated her, but I want to feel safe, too. Lord... I made a mess of things. I don't know how much longer I can take. I need to clean this up. All of it. I need to make things right before you see me again. Maybe if I can make this farm into a home for us like you wanted, things will finally be different. I can forgive. I can be whoever you want me to be if you'll stay with me. Would you please do that? I can't be alone anymore. It's too hard. We can love each other. I'll do it for you if you really meant all that "until death do us part" stuff. It would be enough, just you and me here on this farm. All I really want is to be loved. I'm having a really hard time without it lately.