Winter Boy

This movie is so reaaaal. So glad i found it after my father died and not before, i dont think the experience would be as good, as morbid as that sounds. When you think about death of a close one before it happens to you, you imagine something dramatic something out of a cheap movie, not a morbid and inevitable casuallity. This movie, it depicts so realistically the way you feel: family you haven't seen in ages all gathering, you are more concerned about appearing happy to see them than the monstrosity that just took place of your entire soul, you feel disguting feeling their half pity, half walking around on egg shells not knowing how to behave or what to tell you. Their little condolensces and "be brave" make you mad in one hand because you feel the emptiness and very minimal intent they have behind it but in the other hand what are they supposed to do...you want everybody to act as if nothing happend but in the same breath you wonder how dare they go on with their lives and conversation as if your entire world is t crumbling down...the feeling of sadness you feel for your mother, even worse than for the death itself, her half is gone, life and family as she knew it will never be the same. You feel like making impaulsive and drastic changes in your life, moving schools, changing ten different directions for your future in a day, you want nothing to do with your old life because it reminds you of the life as it was when your dad was around only thing he isnt now. You hate that the outer family hangs out at your home but in the same time the emptiness of the space with the lack of your dads pressence crushes your soul. It feels mundane and ordinary and then in next moment like your whole life has collapsed only you have to go about it as casually as changing your socks. You think about all the times you hated the monotony of your previous days not realising what a privlige monotony is, roght when your life felt balanced, settled and at peace death took him. You wonder is it a coincidance that two or three weeks before his death you thought about him more often or is it that his death caused you to remember all interctions possible you had with him not long before his passing. Everbody is projecting their thoughts onto him, he would have done this or said this but the truth is as much as we think we know a person we cannot possible project a personlity onto thw dead without the feeling of disatisfaction plaguing your guts. Morbidity of having to mind all the life insurance stuff and everyday things pains your mother to oblivion and you seeing it. It doenst feel sad it feels like an emotion so big you will never be able to fully grasp it or touch. You blame yourself for not recognizing the quality and privilge you had while your family structure was whole. You envy people whose parents are alive and you despise them for being happy. You try to remember every word your dad has ever said to you, every inside joke you had, you are paranoid about how low you will feel at christmas or at easter without him. You blame yourself for all the times you got angry at him or even hyperbolically told him you hated him or thought to yourself if only he just died, taking up space, rotting old men. You cant begin to understand how you never thought about the stress his work caused him or why he spoke so little to you and forgot your birthdays. Traditions around funerals disgust you, it feels as though all the guests were dragged out of the house to come but i'd look the same way at somebody else's funeral even though i may not feel it. You grieve all the knowledge wiped from this earth, you wonder could you have prevented his death, you think about all the things you are grateful he saw and grieve all those you wont get to share with him. You remember last words you exchnaged. Thinking that he had no idea that was the last day of his life when it was, regrwtting not spending more time with him, blaming your sibling for not sharing emotions and opening up even though you are the same way, feeling sorry how i wasnt around when he died, he died alone at the hospital, he cried, i never saw him cry. His heart beat raised and then flat, did he feel any pain, did he hear what my mother said to him? Did he know how much i loved him, does he know how much i miss him? For all fellow people who lost a parent just know it only gets better from the day it happend, you will be able to look back and laugh about moments you were lucky to have had, your loved ones are with you as long as you dont forget them and i bet that wont happen, right? Also, you are not alone in your grief, you share it with all his other loved ones. Even though it feels like something out of a movie and a thing that happens only to other people, and it feels like you have already set it in stone that your parents would die of old age after you've turned 40 or more, it is real, but happiness after is also possible. It is diffuclt still, waking up from many dreams where he is alive, waking up and forgetting for that one split second you are unaware of your life in the morning...but life is full of possibilities and you are able to enjoy it, stay safe, your loved ones would have wanted you happy. <3