Amadeus
This was my grandmother’s favorite movie. My mom used to repeatedly tell me this anecdote about her going to see this in theaters the day it came out, right when the theater opened, and then proceeding to stay there until close. Saw it again the next day. She was a classical concert pianist, so I can’t necessarily say it was ever surprising that she loved this movie. In fact, that’s kind of what I always dismissed her love of this film as: a product of her passion. Dismissal was an unfortunate habit of mine in my youth. When she tried to teach me to play piano I kind of threw a fit being that sitting still and focusing wasn’t my strong suit. Never got the opportunity to learn from her; and while, granted, I was like 7, that’s still something I actively regret to this day.
Insane that it took me until 23 to actually watch this, but now that I have, I get it. Although, I doubt I get it in the same way as her. Envy and greed haunt me creatively. Not in the sense of wealth or material possessions, but creativity itself. I’m blessed to be in community with genuinely some of the most talented and creatively inventive people I’ve ever seen. It’s invigorating to be around; I mean genuinely inspirational, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it eats me up inside.
With that said, to see such a vitriolic portrayal of jealousy is captivating. The idolization of your contemporaries, especially those you actively commune with, is not something to let fester. Opportunity, skill, notoriety, “talent”, passion, connection, etc., etc. There’s so much a creative can compare between themselves and others, so much to pull you down. That’s not enough justification to sit and seethe in it though. To let it consume you does nothing but let everything fall apart.
Maybe my grandma found comfort in such a portrayal. I mean, I’ve heard stories about all she went through in pursuit of her passion, and everything she gave up for her family. Yet she never showed an ounce of remorse and resentment. What if I have to watch it 5 times in one day to get it?