Schnitzel

"If Matt Damon believes it, the audience believes it." - Christapha Noland, The Odyssey (2026) In every movie Matt Damon's character is just Matt Damon. And I don’t mean that as an insult. I mean it literally. For those unaware, Matt Damon is just like the dog from the movie Bolt. For clarification, Matt Damon was born on the movie set of 2001: a space odyssey (he played the ugly baby at the end of the movie), and much like Kubrick's other scheme (within what some call his finest film) ‘The Moonlanding’, Damon (like us) was made to believe a lie. Basically, Matt Damon has been tricked into believing everything that happens in his films are real events actually happening to him. And this is just like the movie Bolt (2008). Every director that has worked with him has signed a contract to never let him break this immersion (as it may provide Damon with an existential crisis). He must believe it so the audience can believe it, Nolan argues. So in this new one [The Odyessy] he’s just like "Holy crap is that cyclops!? Look out, you guys!". And we wonder how he delivers such authentic reactions. But if they are authentic reactions, is he actually acting? Who cares! This doesn't mean Matt Damon is a bad ‘actor’, in fact his reactions are authentic and therefore he's a good actor. But as Matt Damon truly believes everything in the film is actually happening to him, he cannot play a character. This may be most evident in Homer Nolan’s ‘The Odyssey’…. Perchance. Within the film's production, there were many dangers that threatened Damon’s performance. For one, actress Zendaya almost broke Damon’s immersion. Within the cut takes Zendaya would barf and gag due to Damon’s stench (this is because, as a method actor, Damon only adhered to the period's hygiene standards). This explains why in many of the shots Zendaya looks very disappointed in Damon. Tom Holland was another. Why else would Matt Damon say that he is not Tom Holland's father? Well, you see in the script Matt Damon was supposed to admit to Holland "Yeah I'm your dad, fam! Pfft, I’m notta filthy beggar, you lil shit!" but this was ultimately cut as Tom Holland was, in fact, not Matt Damon's son. Damon had discovered this once Holland used his real accent when Noland stopped filming (something Noland told Holland specifically not to do as it may break Damon's immersion - Additionally Holland had numerous chairs hurled at him by an angry Noland due to Tom’s incompetence - quite justified really). As a result the film did not end when Damon made it home as it should have (the film was quite long and I needed to use the john). Instead, Nolan had to film authentic fight scenes where real people died. Matt Damon murdered Robert Pattinson in cold blood (which explains why his character was being such a pussy). Additionally Pattinson was the only actor who read the new scripts Nolan sent via pigeon delivered mail (Nolan is of devout amish heritage). Once the press found out about Pattinson’s murder Nolan (after receiving the paper via pigeon mail) had to film a new ending where Damon was exiled. This allowed Damon to get away with his crimes. This is evident as Damon hasn't acted in any film after the odyssey's release. Hollywood reporters speculate that Damon may return for this year's Oscar season in the chance that he is nominated. However, many Oscar alumni contest whether Damon is applicable as he was not 'acting' and was in fact reacting authentically. Regardless, the alumni have honored Damon's legacy. "Just like Homer himself, Matt Damon has had many careers. From the frontier of a Wild West America to the final frontiers of Space, he has really done it all. But most of all he really was one of our great actors and I would know because directed him to be like that, so in reality it was all me and he actually sucks, perhaps, perchance." - Christopha Noland, of the Oscar Alumni.