Aftersun

"I think it's nice that we share the same sky." "don't you ever feel like... you've just done a whole amazing day and then you come home and feel tired and down and... it feels like your bones don't work, they're just tired, and everything is tired. like your sinking. I don't know, it's weird." calums silence after sophie said that absoulutely broke me. this movie broke my heart. the whole time I watched this movie I was waiting for something to happen, I expected him to die, and I was just waiting for something bad to happen, but it already had. I thought this movie was going to be tremendously sad because calum died, but i fear the actual ending of this movie was tremendously sadder than I ever could've imagined. this whole movie was about the need to understand. everything that was important in this movie was all the small things, you need to pay attention to detail to actually understand the raw emotion in this movie. this movie was so real and genuine it actually felt so real I can't put it into words how much this movie means to me. the depiction of depression in this movie feels so real, you have to pay attention to really understand that calum is depressed, its not shown with some major event, its all the little things he does. calums depression is only shown through his actions, its never said aloud. hes meditating, practicing tai chi for a sense of relaxation and maybe even just a break from everything-- "I can't see myself at fourty, to be honest. surprised I made it to thirty." --calum has no care for what happens to him, he never looks when he crosses the road, he went scuba diving without the proper credentials, standing on the ledge of the balcony, going for a swim fully clothed in the middle of the night--then falling asleep and accidentally locking his daughter outside the room, and buying stuff he knows he can't afford. "well, kind of. it was suicide. and it's not for certain that she used a snake. no one found a snake. it might have just been a needle." the pause after sophie says that is genuinely heartbreaking. this movies meaning is where films don't typically bother seeking meaning. wanting to look at a father through a childs eyes in order to understand him, everything calum does it through sophies eyes. at first it seems like everything about calum isn't worth exploring or important, and wont be good enough for a story, but it was. calum doesn't feel like he can offer sophie the things she needs, he doesn't feel like he can provide for her, especially since he became a father so young. hes struggling. this film is about the secrets they kept from each other, calum tells sophie to tell him everything, and that she can. but she doesn't and he isn't entirely honest with her either. the under pressure scene. i will be thinking about this scene for the rest of my life. sophie watching the tapes at the end of the film genuinely broke me, she is trying to connect with the past. sophie attempts to reconcile with her father but he isn't really there, hes more so just a ghost of himself. looking through every memory so she can pinpoint the moments to understand, but now it does make sense as she herself is now an adult. finally understanding why he left, devastatingly so. "did you have a good holiday then?" "the best. wish we could've stayed for longer." "me too." his ass was NOT talking about the holiday. the ending wasn't spelled out for us, it wasn't handed to us but it makes perfect sense. the ending was perfect. it was him leaving--him committing suicide--but it wasn't shown as suicide just him walking away.