Aftersun

throughout my watch i really was expecting a huge reveal: calum would die and leave sophie behind forever, or that something so catastrophic would happen to traumatize them both. i knew the song under pressure would play, and i knew i was gonna cry.  so many of the interactions sophie and calum had together mirrored my own childhood. me copying my dad and him tricking me into exercising and taking deep breaths. me being convinced he was 140 years old. him picking me up to throw me into the pool. me waving goodbye to him over and over again before getting into a plane. and i know i can’t live backwards and appreciate it more.  i didn’t quite get the idea immediately after my watch but i called my dad after my first viewing. he was at work back in china and its 1am here in massachusetts. i told him how i regretted not loving him that much and that i was sorry for being a lackluster child. but he said that everyone has different childhoods. and that i should be happy mine happened the way it did. i just wish i was there for him more when i was younger. i know the thought doesn’t really count for anything. hindsight isn’t real. i dont know how either of my parents felt while i was growing up. it feels wrong for me to say i dont feel loved. it’s mostly because of my identity, but god, they put in so much effort. i feel so guilty for not being the child they imagined.  i think on first viewing of the movie, it was difficult for me to fully pick up on calum’s depression and suicidal thoughts. i was much more focused on the care he had for sophie, and in a sense, im still very much in sophie’s shoes. i still can’t see the world from my parents’ perspectives, and with all i have done to them i feel like an evil person. i just want to do more. aftersun is a beautifully shot movie that looks exactly like childhood. not many movies prompt me to call my dad right after.