Aftersun

Given time this will become my favourite film a feat I didn’t think was possible, I never imagined a film to overtake the impact and emotional toll Inside Llewyn Davis had on me; a film I saw too much of myself in doomed to repeat the cycle of life and escape over and over, expecting change with the same routines only to be met with the same disappointment and stillness of no achievement.  That was until Aftersun, I had a hunch going in that I was going to relate on an emotional level with the subject matters and nostalgia from the music being some of my favourite artists to even my favourite football teams jersey appearing and for godsake I share the same first name with the protagonist. It’s taken me a long time since first viewing to fully grasp and comprehend how this film made me feel. I could assess and breakdown all the technical aspects of this film and how well it achieves everything it wants but I want to talk about the affect and personal toll this film had on me. **Trigger Warnings for the rest of this review. Suicide, self harm, mental health** I was never going to talk about any of this but after seeing how much this film had helped me comprehend my own trauma and make me tackle my own mental health problems, I feel easing the taboo and showing no one is alone in their battles that I will talk about it. At a young age I had a very traumatic experience happen to me around the same time as my parents split, I’ve never told anyone and I will not here either; that trauma though lived with me, I lived most days as a blur and my memory of secondary school is nearly non existent except moments. It wasn’t until I was 16 and left school that it started to take a true toll  on me, I would overeat and then not eat for a week faking that I had, drinking excessively on nights out; harming myself in ways that wasn’t obvious to any one around me and it took me till was 21 to realise what happened and why I felt the way I did.  There’s a line early on the film that hit me so deep and resonated so hard that I knew this film in some will of fate was made for m. Calum (same name I know, like I said, fate) says that he never expected to make it to 30. I never thought I would make it to 19 and then it was 22, I’m about to turn 23 but my internal clock is still screaming to me that I won’t make it past 25, even as I type this after having the happiest and enjoyable few months my clock is still stuck at 25 (admittedly it feels like it is increasing but in seconds). Living with that thought is hell, it makes planning and having motivation for the future near impossible because I see none with me in it. This is just one example of how this film smashed me to pieces with what feels like my Brain projected onto the screen in front of me. In 2021 I tried to take my own life, I failed and hid this from everyone for months until I finally opened up to my mum, I was not greeted with any token speeches that you read in any sympathy cards I was instead greeted with honesty, she opened up to me about her struggles at my age and how my sister also had the same issues. This sticks with me everyday and has become more in my head since Aftersun and how the disease of depression is hereditary, Calum hears Sophie (his daughter) tell him how she has had an amazing day but feels down and tired and “sinking” he realises that she feels how he does and in that moment he’s afraid she will end up like him and that she gets how he feels and it scares him, he blames himself for passing on his problems even if it’s involuntary. This is my biggest fear of having kids, not the idea of raising or making sure they get all they need but the fact that I have this horrible feeling that no matter how I raise them they will inherit this unimaginable pain and sadness through no fault of their own and it terrifies me. I don’t want this to be all doom and gloom I want to also highlight the positives this film has give me as well. My love for my parents has grown indefinitely realising the pain that they have and how they hide it from me to keep me safe from it. How I’ve self reflected and looked into myself and realised what and how causes me to feel how I do and what I can do to, even if temporarily, bring my mood back up and look after myself This film will live with me for the rest of my life and I will adore more and more I see it, it has helped me grow more than anything in my life and feel seen for how I feel. My outlook on life has changed for the better and for the first time in a long time I want to live, my internal clock of 25 may still be there but I can feel going up by seconds.