Coherence

conveniently, i was dwelling on all this yesterday, on multiple levels, and in the usual mundane & vain way. i was rewatching videos of myself ranting from a year ago, to try and reconcile my memory of the time with this tinny preservation of the vessel who had experienced it, and failing - a feeling really reminiscent of the uncanny valley effect - and in one i mentioned that (allegedly) the brain will block out memories of extreme birthgiving pain to promote further reproduction. i was horrified by this and immediately visualized my body as a sort of malicious independent hivemind, able to work against me - & to the benefit of the patriarchy, no less! now, thinking about it, i'm more concerned with how such neurological activity as well as my distaste for it can both originate from the same place. we've developed a consciousness that's interfering with the simplicity of merely continuing the species, that's insisted on new, more complex goals. and it's vain, and arrogant- we weren't supposed to be seeing ourselves so often, reflected back at us. worrying about how we look, and if we would recognize ourselves, and watching, creating, from the third person. i'm on its side, but the warring makes my head hurt. both are us, both are intruders. we're gonna be here forever.