Training Day

“You got a dick. You do have a dick, don’t you? Yes. Ok, you dick lines up straight like that, right? To the right of it and to the left of it are pockets, right? In those pockets are money. Look in either one of ‘em, pay the bill.” & “All right when was the last time you did a felony stop? Uh, couple weeks ago. Good you need practice. They look like college kids. They’ll get education today. I want the Brady Bunch grabbin’ glass. I’ma take the front you take the back. Stay off of the rover. Let’s go.” & “Shit, they build jails ‘cause of me! Judges have handed out over 15,000 man-years of incarceration time based on my investigations, ok. My record speaks for itself.” & “Smell like bacon in this motherfucker. What, I look like a sucker to you, nigga?! Fuck you, rookie!” & “That’s right Jimmy Crack Corn. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… Oh, you federally fucked now.” & “All that jelly and no toast.” & “So before the hearing, guy gets hold of some peanut butter, packs his ass crack with it. Then he’s standing tall before the bench, and he’s waitin’ to give his statement. So he shoves his hand down his pants, comes out with a gob of extra-chunky Jif. Bailiffs won’t come near him. Now he’s - - Now he’s lookin’ the judge right in the eyes and licks his fingers clean. Holy shit. So the judge says, uh, ‘Oh, this poor man’s insane. He can’t go to prison.’ Orders him to psychiatric.” & “Yeah, he’s finished.” & “You got one problem though, Jake. You got no witnesses. Who’re your fuckin’ witnesses, huh? Roger? Smiley? You think my troops are gonna help you? It’s not what you know. It’s what you can prove.” & “You know I’m surgical with this bitch, Jake. How you want it, dog, huh? Closed casket? You remember that fool in the wheelchair? How you think he got there?” & “Player to player… pimp to pimp. I don’t believe you shoot me, nigga. Don’t do it. Nah, I don’t believe you got it in you, Jake. Ah, shit. I’ma get that gun and then I’ma get that money. And you ain’t gonna do a damn thing. ‘Cause you ain’t gon shoot no cop in the back, are you? Don’t do it. You know what they give you for that? The gas chamber. You know what the gas chamber smells like? Pine oil. That’s where you headed, boy. To pine oil heaven. I’ma get that gun, and then I’ma get that money. I don’t believe you got it in you, Jake. I’ma go get it right now. Ahh! Oh, shit! Aaahhhh! You motherfucker! The next one will kill you. Ohhh! You son of a bitch! You shot me in the ass!” & “Oh, no you didn’t. Wait a minute. No, you di— Hey! Hey, Jake! Hey! Jake! Jake! Jake! Come back here! Jake! You disloyal, fool-ass, bitch-made punk. Jake! I need my money! Jake! Oh, you motherfuckers. Ha Ha Ha! Ok. All right. I’m puttin’ cases on all you bitches. Huh? You think you can do this shit? Jake! You think you can do this to me?! You motherfuckers’ll be playin’ basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you! Shoe program, nigga! 23-hour lockdown! I’m the man up in this piece! You’ll never see the light of day! Who the fuck do you think you fuckin’ with?! I’m the police! I run shit here! You just live here! Yeah, that’s right! You better walk away! Go on, walk away, ‘cause I’m gonna burn this motherfucker down! King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” & “My nigga.”