2046
Two and a half years doesn't sound like much, but time marches on, people come and go, and we grow and change, whether we like what we've become or not.
That's how long it's been since I first watched Kar-Wai's most ambitious film, almost to the day. It feels so bizarre that's all it's been. I can't help but feel a deep sense of sadness, reminiscing of how simple my connection to this movie was. I was drawn to the visuals, the score, the technical mastery. I saw the deep sense of loneliness and was fascinated watching this from the other side of the glass. "Such a tragedy, a man destroyed by his lust, trying to fill the gap Maggie Cheung left." I yearn for that simple connection. I yearn for a place to forget just how arduous and emotionally destructive these past 30 months have been. I yearn for 2046, which is something I didn't have when I first watched. I understand why 2046 is such a mystical concept, I understand why writing about 2046 gives a sense of comfort, I understand the idea of leaving our horrifying future in favor of something we know is as simple as love or as youth.
It's not lust, it's a deep sense of loneliness. Knowing what true love and having a taste of that simplicity only through our memories is such an exhausting feeling. You go through withdraws. So you search for something, anything, to give you a hit, as superficial as it may be. The touch of another person, the feeling of being wanted, the simple idea of not being the only person in your room. You don't want to stay because you could be hurt again, you don't want to cling to anything because you're afraid of losing it, so you don't. You may see the damage you're doing to everyone, you may start feeling like you aren't worth what you once had because you've accidentally dragged so many people down with you, but you can't stop. A nagging self-doubt is preferable to nothing. Nothing at all. I'm guilty of this, as much as it pains me to say. I'm sorry. I really am. I've grown, believe me. I don't forgive myself yet, but I will. I connect to Chow in a way I never wanted to. Unfortunately, all I've done to feel that is in the past, I can't change how much I connect to him. I can only change myself going forward. I'm doing good, I'm doing really good, and if anything, this movie reminded me of that.
Wong Kar-Wai has a talent for taking something as simple as loneliness and adding so many layers, each one of them hitting something I forgot was there. His filmmaking style is simply unmatched when it comes to screaming the unsaid. This movie does feel like a bit of an outlier in his work. Instead of being ethereal and dreamy, outside of the sci-fi segments, feels so hauntingly real. It perfectly balances with the sci-fi segments, which were the absolute highlight for me. I love seeing art use sci-fi elements to tell a human story better than anything real ever could. It's something most of my favorite have in common, so to see my favorite director utilize this in such a superb way, I'm shocked this hasn't been a staple of my favorites until just now. Well, from a technical standpoint. From a narrative standpoint, I understand why it's only now becoming one of those undeniable pillars of my relationship with film, for better and worse. I have a very similar relationship with 2046 as I do Nowhere and TV Glow, in that they're both stories I see myself in and I hate seeing myself in. They help me recognize where to grow, they scare me awake and help me do better. They're the reason I love movies and they will always be integral in me as a person. As much as I felt a deep weight on my heart this entire film, it's in a way I needed, and similarly to TV Glow or Nowhere, I can't wait to revisit this soon and see just how much I've grown. I hope I'm doing better. Maybe I've forgiven myself. Maybe I've found something to hold again.
Maybe I make it back from 2046.
"In fact, zone 1224-1225 meant Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. On the night before Christmas many people need a bit more warmth than usual. That night...I didn't get that. Maybe it's better that way."