First Reformed

Sometimes you need to watch something that is going to make you feel bad or think differently. Yeah First Reformed is that for me. Whenever I need to be brought back to reality and think about the crisis of the world I pop this film in. I can tell you that when I watched this in theaters and drove home I just sat and thought about what the hell is going on in the world. It filled me with a swell of different emotions ringing throughout my mind. What exactly could we do to save the earth? Are we too far gone? Is it all over and we’re just waiting for the end? There must be something we can do right? I mean humanity is good, right? What we do has a profound impact on the planet. I can’t quite shake that feeling whenever I watch the movie. I feel as though it sinks deeper into my psyche. I thought about my drive home and the emissions I was producing. I thought about the refineries near the lakes. I thought about the trash made at work and how all of it go to a landfill to rot and fester. It horrified me. Literally kept my brain running whenever I thought about my environmental impact. It truly unnerved me in that regard. Though First Reformed is not just a movie with an environmental message. This is Paul Schrader and so we’re going to get something more than just a movie with one message. There is this unwavering element in the mind of Ethan Hawke’s character with the commercialization of the church. Through the advancement of technology they hold sermons online or they broadcast concentrations for thousands to see. Reverend Toller (Ethan Hawke) is always in the Garden as Jeffers (Cedric the Entertainer), a leader of Abundant Life and one who is making adjustments for those who are donating to the foundation, tells him that he sees Toller always in the Garden suffering and working. Not ever living in the real world, and Toller pleads with Jeffers that there must be something the Church can do the help the world more than just broadcasting sermons and holding church groups, that they could broadcast this message that the world is dying and we need to do something now, not tomorrow or next month, but now. Hawke’s character wrestles with the modernization of the Church. That everything seems to be corrupt and bend to the wills of those with the money to move the earth. It is apocalyptic for him since this new phase of his life is about the Church and the message of God and what we should do with the word of God. Bitterness and anguish lay with Toller as he keeps a journal detailing his daily duties and thoughts. He contests with himself that what he thinks is selfish; that his thoughts do no good for him since he is enacting the disparaging act of feeling sorry for oneself. He sits in a dark room writing for hours thinking and thinking and thinking. Toller is a man who feels like the world was ending and that his life was lacking purpose but now after meeting Mary (Amanda Seyfried) it seems like we’re all doomed. If we are all doomed and the world is hell and there is nothing we can do to save ourselves and maybe God may not forgive us, what do we do? How do we cope? We do things everyday without thinking. Even the most conscientious person can do an action without thinking about why they’re doing that action. It happens all the time. It’s a film about the revelation of the end times. That the changes that we think are going to happen in a different lifetime are right around the corner and are immediate. Existentially I am distressed about what the next few years bring. What does tomorrow bring? How can I continue to exist knowing that my existence may also bring a helping hand to the end of the world, the end of my family and friends? First Reformed brings out these stressful thoughts about what we do when the know the truth, or at least some concerned version of the truth. If anything at all there is some solace provided in the film. We can be with those we know and love. Toller spends more and more time with Mary. For those instances with genuine human love Toller can put at ease the strain of his subconscious and conscious mind. It’s not a secret that Schrader has a character named Mary pregnant. It all comes together. It is abrupt like a literal rug is pulled out from under you. It’s poignant in informing the viewer how Toller works as a person. There’s not a great big moment of yelling and screaming, more than that its conversation. It’s quiet and with confidence in the lines spoken to one another. When Toller does his monologues, I can feel his pain and sadness and despair. “I know that nothing can change and that there is no hope,” carries the entire persona of Toller and how he functions. Truthfully, I think Schrader created something unique unto himself. It has his central musings of a man dealing with being on the fringes but there is certain maturity that Schrader has managed to capture not on in his writings but in his direction. Not since Mishima have I been this moved by a film by Schrader. The acting in First Reformed is what you want from something in a character piece with Hawke being at the top of his game who carries the entire universe and every being on his shoulders, but not only that, his mind too.