Raging Bull

While ruminating about the past, his words possess me not to become his pain: "The more people noticed my toughness, the more I played up to that. When I put myself in that boxing ring to get beat up, I wanted to show how tough I was. The boxing wasn't necessarily about winning, just showing that I could take it. What they didn't see was the training behind it. The problem with anything is when you get used to the blood, sweat, and tears. It tells me, 'You love drowning in the pain.' But the pain gave me no feeling because I got used to being hurt. I got used to the bleeding. I trained to ignore the pain. Ninety percent of these guys aren't about taking it to that level. People don't understand it. So, when I adapted, I made my aggression public. When I hurt somebody, a lot of the time, I did it purposely where crowds would see, and they'd understand. 'This face, you'll remember it.' This way, I'm gonna control the match. And any other thing I wanna control. Obviously, this means nothing to me. I gotta do whatever I gotta do to be successful on the street. Make them understand that I'm on a different level of violence. And you're gonna have to because there are people just as wild as you or worse, and you gotta try to take your life back. But that's what you signed up for. I was used to this. And maybe I'm gonna lose, but you gotta take that adrenaline and use it in a positive way. Not a negative way, because you're used to that adrenaline; you're used to that fear factor because we've all got that fear. But for the people who can't handle that fear, it hurts them. And the people who can handle that fear and that adrenaline rush in a positive way, they take that and use it to their benefit. And things kind of slow down for you when you're in this mode. When you're in the zone, you can't hear the crowd. That was me until everything shut down. And then you realize, I can't sleep at night. All the violence starts having a mental effect on you. Although, at this time, you're blocking it out, it always looms. At one point in your life, it's gonna come out of you. You're gonna have these anxiety attacks or control factors of your temperament when someone's trying to needle you a little bit. Even though, I thought, I was under control. I learned I was under control in the incident, but I look for this overall. I look for an excuse for the violence. And as this became another level of training for me; not the violence that I trained for, but now wanting to have some sort of solitude to be able to enjoy life again. Y'know, to be able to smile, laugh, and go back into having some sort of normalcy. I have to retrain myself. It's always a work in progress, and I just say, "I'm gonna get through today. For tomorrow, I'll work on tomorrow.' If I'm ever going to change my life and be a better person, I need to reconnect with others. Control yourself, control your ego."