Creed

10. i don’t overthink, i overanalyze. yeah, the world may not revolve around me (in the sense that all things happen for my benefit or, on the contrary, my detriment), but i’m so immensely confident that all events in my life happened for some purpose. i’m not sure if i SEE THIS is a challenge that God has given me to overcome. i’m not sure if i WANT to try to understand what the lesson is. the past few months have been defined by SEMI-LOSS (you know, not necessarily a loss but definitely not a win) after semi-loss. i began to LOSE FAITH IN PEOPLE, causing me to blame myself and to push people away. i found NO SATISFACTION in my academic pursuits, even though i had genuinely poured my soul into them. i struggled to interpret all the LESSONS THAT I FELT I WAS MEANT TO LEARN. i wondered about DICHOTOMIES, you know, whether or not i viewed myself accurately — ambitious or prideful, thoughtful or hypocritical, worthy or foolish, authentic or sinful, diligent or pretentious. Creed explores this all, man. michael b. jordan’s adonis creed is driven, but he doesn’t know what for. he’s tired of being abandoned, and so he decides to fight because he’s mad at the world. he wants the fight because it’s what he asked for — an opportunity to prove himself. fuck, I ASKED FOR THIS, didn’t i? i want to grow, i want to be great. this victory wouldn’t have been overnight, it's been eighteen years in the making. but i'm relieved it wasn't a blatant loss. i'm not going to try to understand what the lesson is because it’s not worth my time. there’s a BURDEN that’s been placed on me, and so there’s WORK TO BE DONE— and if it’s not as simple as that, i don’t want to worry about it now. i’m not particularly sad or stressed, but i’m CONFUSED that this is what God saw fit for me. that this was what He had in store for me. i just hope that this ISN'T some DIVINE CRUELTY, but truly something that (even though wasn’t what i wanted) I NEEDED. it’s been a struggle. there were times this month where (1) i FEARED that i’d NOT BEEN AS GOOD OF A FRIEND as i thought i was (sure, i always tried to understand their perspectives and i show my gratitude and take accountability, but i'm kind of tiring to hang out with sometimes, maybe?), (2) i RESENTED THOSE who made it difficult to feel good about expressing myself, (3) i felt ABANDONED by those i felt should’ve been closest to me, (4) i struggled with semi-losses because it felt like those AROUND ME WERE CONSTANTLY WINNING, and (5) i wondered why, despite the barrage of lessons, I HADN'T GROWN ENOUGH TO SNAG A WIN for myself. i feel like i should’ve been able to do it, but i couldn’t. i’m SCARED i’ll MAKE MYSELF SUFFER as a result of this semi-loss. i know i’m the type of person who’s DETERMINED ENOUGH to go search for what they seek, but the PROCESS IS SELF-INDUCED SUFFERING. i push people away, i punish myself, i feel sorry for myself, i ensure my pain. i'd never live it down having failed without giving it my all, and i guess i opine that suffering is equivalent to giving it your all. I DON'T WANT TO TORTURE MYSELF, at least for now. on the other hand, i’m slightly SCARED TO KEEP FIGHTING because it might be in vain. but, logically speaking, i DON'T ACTUALLY SEE THE FIGHT AS A WASTE. i spent the last two years really honing in on my passions. though i’ve been BARRED FROM WINS time and time again (two-time section editor, science research program A, mathematics imposter syndrome, unappreciated writing guru, a non-priority to who i hoped i could forever confide in), i’m GOING TO KEEP SEEKING THOSE WINS. ONE STEP AT A TIME. ONE PUNCH AT A TIME. ONE ROUND AT A TIME. i pride myself in being a jack of many trades, but now i want to prove myself beyond that. not because i want some legacy or the fame, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO PROVE THAT I CAN EXCEL IN THE THINGS I LOVE. i want to be the best at one trade. going forward, i'm embodying self-preservation — to protect myself from ever being hurt that badly by someone i cared for AND to will my wishes into reality. i hope that, soon, THE THINGS THAT I NEED WILL FINALLY ALIGN WITH THE THINGS THAT I WANT. i strive to be authentic, to be loving, to be interesting. i may not always embody that, but i always always ALWAYS strive. may He bless me with more fortune.