Thomes

I can't say it's a good sign when the entire group chat started groaning in agony every time a character switched from talking regularly to singing, but I have a strange twisted fondness for movies with this kind of shitty early-2010s coloring, and being familiar enough with the story to understand what the fuck is happening at any given moment also helps a little. But Wow the music is not very good and the casting choices were even worse

Here's how it goes in a just world where 2004 audiences understood the vision: theatrical sequel in 2006, noticeable budget increase. Amy and Lucy are having relationship problems because Amy is participating in an art show and it's really demanding and time-consuming and Lucy feels neglected. Debs reunite with Amy at this art show, sent to bust an art forging or smuggling ring. Amy collaborates with them, it's fun and nostalgic, she missed this. Lucy tries to join them but is not as good at being a spy, feels insecure and jealous because Amy seems to be falling back in love with her old life. Lucy and Amy fight and break up, Evanescence needle drop. The host of the art show is the twist villain, traps Amy and friends, peril ensues. Lucy arrives, Amy confesses her love, power of lesbianism turns Lucy into a good spy, she saves the day. Threequel in 2008, direct-to-DVD this time. Meagan Good does not return, fans are devastated and tabloids are stirring the pot, truth is she felt dissatisfied with her character's direction and went on to (successfully) pursue bigger projects. This one is really focused on Dominique, but it also doesn't seem to know what to do with her. Strange retcons: pretends Janice and Dominique are closer friends than they ever were in the last two, makes Amy super rigid to fill Max's role. Dominique is placed in a bisexual love triangle and has way more chemistry with the woman than the man but ultimately chooses to date neither. Holland Taylor also does not return and there's a new headmaster or whatever Ms. Petrie was, this time she's the twist villain. The camera movement in every fight scene is insane, feels like it was going to get a 3D theatrical release before being damned to DVD. Fourth movie in 2015, direct-to-DVD again, this time a soft reboot with all new characters, the next generation of Debs. All 4 of them are gay for each other, and they struggle to keep the messy love web overtaking their friend group separate from their work as spies. No twist villain this time, the antagonists are an organization of evil boy spies, they look like the pictures of One Direction in black shirts that people use as thumbnails for their Wattpad Mafioso AUs. All the top Letterboxd reviews end up being jokes about how these boys should also be in a gay polycule even though they're actually kinda creepy and homophobic in the movie. A fifth film is planned for streaming but falls apart over the pandemic. They recuperate with a full reboot, an Amazon Prime retelling of the original story, spread over 9 episodes: Sophie Nélisse as Amy, Reneé Rapp as Lucy, Lexi Minetree as Janice, unknowns as the rest. Max in particular gets a lot more backstory and plot relevance as decades-late repentance for Meagan Good. I should add that every sequel progressively tones down the sex and alcohol, but this streaming show is where it goes fully PG-13. Fan outrage and it bombs. Truthfully everything past the first movie bombs, but at least it exists. Instead none of this came to pass because we live in hell and everyone who was old enough to watch this movie in 2004 should be held accountable in court of law.

In rural Alberta for a wedding, watched *Blow the Man Down* last night, decided to follow it up with this for a "Margo Martindale small town crime drama" theme. Not only was it fun to watch this in the actual buttfuck prairies, but I think watching it in a dark hotel ended up being the perfect way to experience; it has this strange, hypnotic energy, like it's an old tv show you've never heard of and accidentally stumble upon channel surfing in the dead of night. This film has one of the most captivating styles I've seen in a minute, I wish I knew enough technical terminology to articulate how awesome it is. I'm hesitant to say this because of how overused ‘Lynchian’ is, and it’s not surrealist enough for that to be entirely appropriate anyways, but I think it has a lot in common with the grounded parts of Lynch works: its fixation on the dark side of small town Americana, the languid cadence everyone speaks in, how the camera physically isolates the subjects to emphasize emotional isolation, the stark shadows casting dread and inevitable tragedy over everything, etc. It follows a non-linear timeline, and it never gives the audience any indication of when or where it's going to jump, it just irregularly cuts straight to the past or the future; and somehow there was absolutely no confusion, I could always immediately tell where it went, what was happening, and why it decided to move. Just fucking impressive craftsmanship all around, ESPECIALLY for a low budget 90s debut! It's hard to come by movies that feel like this, and I'm gonna appreciate the shit out of them when I do!!! Now I don't think it's a masterpiece, the plot is pretty soapy and it could have taken the religious themes a step farther. But I will also say, that's all made up for by the ending scene being one of the most haunting things I've seen all year and maybe ever. It's this perfect point of convergence: you’ve seen Ainsley lose her child and Tommy lose his mother, and it informs the innocent surrogate mother-son dynamic that starts to form, but their mutual impending demise hangs heavy over their every word. I was so tense the entire time, waiting for Jack to suddenly pop up from behind— but Tim Blake Nelson trusts his audience, trusts you’ve seen enough of the aftermath to already understand everything you need to, and makes the tragedy so much more heart-wrenching by ending on their final moments of peace instead of succumbing to the spectacle of violence. There's so much I want to unpack, especially in that final shot, but I'm sleepy and don't want this entry to be too long, so I guess I'll just let it linger in my mind for the rest of my life instead! It's weird to call the scene cathartic when it's essentially set in purgatory, but it's the moment when everything clicks and it feels worth it to have watched it all, and that's just so invigorating! That is what I want, film that makes me feel like I'm being hunted for sport!! Wow!!!

Good stuff: the snowy fishing village vibes, the buzzing score, every old lady but especially Margo Martindale, the general female solidarity, the way it somehow sometimes feels like a Nancy Drew game Bad stuff: the amateur dialogue, the predictable plot, the occasional cheap greenscreen, the sea shanty numbers that I found cringey (but I'm glad other people seemed to like them), how the sisters end up being so passive they basically turn into side characters for 2/3rds of the movie, how it felt oddly pearl-clutching about prostitutes for a 2020 film directed by women Verdict: it’s a decently charming indie, and it feels like everyone had a good time making it, but outside of the unique setting it is one of the most boring and generic small town thrillers you could possibly imagine. It doesn't even try to have a campy plot twist or anything, everything past the 20-30 minute mark is exactly what it seems to be and you just have to sit through that. Also the sisters look like different halves of Saoirse Ronan. They could Steven Universe fuse to form her