Hamnet

The last time I had watched this was back in January in theatres, with this one girl. We had already texted and hung out through all of December and I was super nervous. That same day I had went out to buy her a small present, which consisted of a few pens, some silly motivational quotes and jokes I had written down, all packed up nicely in a small paper bag. This however almost made me miss my train, meaning, I got to the train in a slight rush, while she was waiting for me. We DID manage to get the train, and while I needed to catch my breath I also pulled out my new clip-on-earrings. That was the first time I wore those and that girl was the first person to see me embracing my feminine side to THAT degree. After I finally recovered from the World-record worthy sprint, we finally got to start talking. The conversation was as usual a seamless mix of Gossip, our lives, memes and a strong shared political rage. Everything was going smoothly until a couple decided to sit next to us on the train, which meant that we started texting each other while literally sitting in front of each other (lol). That didn’t stop us from having an incredible amount of fun. Saying that she has the prettiest smile I’ve ever seen doesn’t even come close to doing it justice, because her smile really redefines the definition of what a powerful smile actually means. It’s like when it’s summer vacation and the sunlight reflects of her face all over to her curly hair and her glasses. I think seeing her laugh is the single most wholesome thing that I have ever experienced and I really don’t think anything comes close to it. Like remotely. Her presence is so beyond stunning, that even spending time with her feels like an ethereal experience. Giggling together while sending some silly stickers and texting, definitely freaked out the couple next to us, but we had so much fun, that we really could not have given less of a fuck as long as we were together. Finally, we arrived in Zurich and got off the train. We made our way to the cinema by tram and on foot. We told us silly stories, while trying to find our way to the cinema by google maps. Once we finally got to the cinema the whole Vibe started. The cinema has a really fancy-looking inbuilt bar, where we could get a few drinks and some snacks. She insisted on paying for the snacks, since I had already bought our tickets, but as she was looking for something in her purse, I secretly slid some money to the cashier. That might have slightly confused her, when she had finally found what she was looking for, but it did make an unforgettably funny moment. We sat down, and just continued talking about different experiences we’ve had, mostly stuff about our family and some friends. If I remember correctly, she had already hinted at wanting to get her braids done, by her mom, but that might have been more of the topic the following time we hug out, I’m really not sure. After that we finally entered the cinema’s hall, put our drinks down and started getting our eyes torn apart, by an AI advertisement, we both started trashing for obvious reasons. Once the film finally started we sat there quietly, while surrounded by people, that were all much older than us. The film was frankly nothing short of amazing, and we were both blown away. I’ll never forget, when Agnès gave birth to her child in the woods, and the girl quietly turned around to me and whispered how strong women were. Her smile and the unapologetically joyous way in which she said that, made me instantly fall in love with her even more. There were multiple small moments of giggling from both of us, until we started being emotionally torn apart from the film. She broke down at Hamnet’s death, while I broke down as Shakespeare was carefully listening to his own work, that was being played in front of the huge crowd (Max Richter is guilty of making me cry in two movies, for the same track bro). Towards the end of the film I put my hand down between us and she instantly took it. We kind of hesitated on whether we should hold hands or not, but in the end she leaned against me, and I leaned back on her. That was some of the biggest joy I had felt in ages. That instant made my soul feel at ease, like I was always supposed to be right there with her. My heart was genuinely at peace in that instant. I had never felt this much joy watching a film at the cinema. And the cinema is my comfort place where I go like 25-30+ times a year. So that says a DAMN lot. We left that cinema hall emotionally devastated, but nonetheless happy. It took us a couple of minutes to really digest that experience, although I feel like the film didn’t has hard as compared to how close we got. On the way back, I admit, that I didn’t quite know what to say, for one the whole experience was mind-blowing and on the other hand, this girl’s presence is so damn flabbergasting, that it literally MAKES ME UNABLE TO SPEAK EVERY SINGLE TIME. That wasn’t all that bad though, because I could listen to her talk about stuff and pour her heart out to me, which was incredible. Listening to her talk is like one of the single most heavenly experiences anybody could wish for. Some men fall in love with other people, because they finally get to talk about themselves to someone, but in contrast, I’d gladly listen to her talk for multiple hours, without needing to say anything, if she’d need someone to listen to. When we finally got back to our hometown we just needed to take our bus. While waiting on it, we talked about our birthmarks, which we both carry with pride. There’s something weird about people acting like birthmarks are something awful, but I’d also say there’s something poetic about us not giving a fuck about what people think. That wasn’t the last time we had met, but it was definitely one memorable time. I know it’s my fault we didn’t get to become more than friends, and I won’t get into the details on how and what happened, but I do miss those times. Writing this in tears as I lost one person whom really understood me and that I loved with all corners of my heart. At the same time I feel like it might not REALLY be over? I’m not sure. So basically I will never forget Hamnet.