Waves

watching this movie catapulted me right back into my coming-of-age years. when the world felt expansive and bright. when navigating expectations, friends, family, dreams, loss, love, loneliness, drugs, heartbreak, booze, hope felt at times like the days lying ahead are permeated with a darkness that will never leave, because how could it not feel like that when each first experience in those years felt painfully raw, like holding your pulsating heart in the palm of your hand. this movie feels like a frank ocean song. and not only because the soundtrack includes more than a couple songs off the blond album. the visual and sound effects in this movie are reminiscent of those summer nights where a sweet tanginess floats in the air, laughter resounds in the distance, time stretches and distorts, slowing down. you feel your heartbeats in your temples, see the street lights blur, and you're simultaneously having one of the best nights of your life and thinking whether you'll ever be able to get rid of the hollow ache that had taken residence in your heart. maybe one day. i felt increasingly stripped bare as the movie went on and when SZA's Pretty Little Birds came on, i felt myself unraveling. i remember having this song on repeat-one all throughout summer 2017, while going through my first serious breakup, graduating high school, and navigating the on-and-offs of a toxic relationship. this movie felt like a hug to my younger self, who wore her heart on her sleeve and forgave everyone, even those who didn't deserve it, while at the same time never forgiving herself. i'm glad for my friends that i didn't watch this at 18 years old because i would've made this movie my entire personality for a year. oh who am i kidding. i'll carry this movie in my heart forever, the way i still carry the pieces of the girl i used to be. the best days have yet to come.