Aftersun

idk what possessed me to watch this Christmas night but was alone and feeling sappy and needed a release.  This is one of those movies that has such a lasting impacting on me that I don’t think I can ever rewatch it. There are very few pieces of work that have had a resounding effect on me that I will forever carry it in my heart. Aftersun has officially entered the list.  At first, I wasn’t sure if i was going to like this bc the entire time, I was waiting. I was waiting for the grand reveal, the climax, the death and as the story progressed and reached its end, I realized the story was never about any of that. I guess when I read the synopsis of a movie about a daughter looking back on a father-daughter trip, I knew there was an underlying tragedy that will occur. So often when it comes to a parental death, I expect a movie to be centered about the death, the grief, and the outcome, however, Aftersun, is one where the it doesn’t do that. It literally just showcases the trip Calum and Sophie take in its entirety. However, it feels somewhat even more tragic as you see all the little moments that you take for granted under a new light. There’s a beauty and melancholy to seeing your parents as people. When you’re a kid, you can’t fathom anything hurting them. To me, my parents were the strongest and fiercest, they had all the answers and were always right. And when you’re a kid, you don’t realize that it’s all a facade.  Lik when my dad got sick and he still pretended to be ok. Lik when he was in and out of hospitals, getting diagnosed/misdiagnosed, undergoing various surgeries and still put a smile on his face. Lik when he was bedridden and couldn’t work anymore and still cracked jokes to keep the mood light. Lik when he had a heart attack and was rushed into the ER and I asked my mom if he was going to be ok and she said “everything will be ok.” Last year, officially marked the time where I lived more years without my dad than with him. Im turning 27 in a few days and it continues to baffle my mind that at my age, my mom was married and pregnant with my older brother. I always viewed parenthood as this terrain that people chose to embark on when they reached a certain level of peace and security in themselves. Should it bring me comfort that most people never truly feel ready for parenthood? That we’re all just people figuring it out? I mean, I struggle with depression every day and I just assumed if I did become a mother, hopefully my love for my child could motivate me to idk get better, seek help, be cured? Obviously It’s a stupid and naive notion but it was something that I held on to bc my parents always always put me and my brother first despite their own feelings. And I think that’s the biggest fear of being a parent. Your whole identity and value is being a parent. Doing anything and everything for your kid even when you’re at your absolute lowest, even when you’re in pain, even when you’re slowing dying and you don’t even realize it.   Calum never saw himself at 40. My dad never made it past 46 and I can’t really see myself either——it seems so far off and wrong to be older than him. but I hope to reach it and feel closer to him in some way.