Soul

(rambling thoughts:) so i've had a rough week, specifically since the 16th at around 6pm, when i found out liam payne died. i haven't been online practically at all (mostly so i could save myself from witnessing the general public & media's reaction to what happened), and to say i've been an absolute mess would be a bit of an understatement. the intensity of my grief probably looks odd from the outside, but i don't really care. grieving a celebrity IS an odd experience, especially when said celebrity unknowingly had such an immense impact on you. in my case, liam's online presence (livestreams, posts, etc.) & his music were a huge light and support system for me at a really dark & destructive time in my life. like a lot of people my age, i was always a 1d fan growing up (& liam's been my favorite for forever), but it wasn't until he helped me get through this rock bottom stage of my life that he became one of my all time favorite people, & i formed a strong connection to him that has never gone away & never will. i won't go into details, but i will say that i don't know if i'd be here without him, & i've always felt incredibly grateful to him for that. i'm also not going to go into details about liam's struggles, but if, like me, you've been a fan for a long time, then you probably already know about them & can empathize with me on what i'm about to say. because, to me, the most devastating part of all of this has been knowing that liam never got to fully heal the way he helped me & so many others heal. i'd like to think that he's free of his pain & struggles now, but he deserved that while he was alive. he just deserved SO much better from the world in general. i know what you're probably thinking: why is this all being written as a review for soul? and honestly, i don't have a super logical answer to that. this movie is just something that's also helped me through a lot of hard times in my life. ever since i first watched it in 2020, its themes & messages have had a lasting, profound impact on me & my way of thinking about about life. it's more than just a comfort movie to me because it makes me feel existential hope, if that makes any sense. rewatching it tonight made me realize that that's what liam made me feel too, at that dark time when i definitely wasn't hopeful about anything & during so many days since. making that connection while watching made me want to say my little piece about liam on here, even though most people will find it silly. if you never got the chance to love him anytime in these past 14-ish years, then i'm sorry. i wouldn't trade the experience of growing up as a liam payne fan for the world. (if you read this all, wow. props to you for putting yourself through my aimless, probably melodramatic, emotional rambling. i love you, whoever you are)