Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death & Porridge

Goldilocks and the largest vial of Nitrous oxide

Goldilocks and the largest vial of Nitrous oxide

A fun fact about these kind of movies is they always use the same tape of the forest, it’s like the third time I notice that (first in Alice in terrorland, later in Winnie The Pooh Blood and Honey).

A fun fact about these kind of movies is they always use the same tape of the forest, it’s like the third time I notice that (first in Alice in terrorland, later in Winnie The Pooh Blood and Honey).

Alright, if you follow me (or even if you don’t) and you’re reading this review, do me a favor: stop and glance at the rating curve again. Looks weird, right? Lots of half-stars, three stars and three and a half stars. That’s a very weird balance. Now read some of the top reviews. They all sound generic. Not in a ChatGPT way, thank god, but in a very bland way that sounds like it’s not people who have anything worthwhile to say. In all my time on this app I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now look at the one review of this film I’ve given a like to. It all makes sense once you read it. Craig Rees is gassing himself up to make people wanna watch his movie.

Now, Tubi recommended me this. To their credit, I’ve watched a few of these public domain exploitation films (or, as I’ve always called it, PDsploitation) and I tend to give them credit where credit is due. There is no credit due here on Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge and director Rees knows it. The title is to cash in on the similarly titled Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, which has similar plot elements and made a lot more money. I do wanna say the camera work is okay even if the costumes and color grading are strange, but if you’re going to try to inflate your own score then it’s not worth anything. I could argue that about rating your own movie as well - and I’m not a fan of it - but at least you show pride in your work with that. This has poor sound, stilted acting and dialogue, and drags on so much that I think you have no heart in your project, and that’s the saddest thing of them all. A shame.

Alright, if you follow me (or even if you don’t) and you’re reading this review, do me a favor: stop and glance at the rating curve again. Looks weird, right? Lots of half-stars, three stars and three and a half stars. That’s a very weird balance. Now read some of the top reviews. They all sound generic. Not in a ChatGPT way, thank god, but in a very bland way that sounds like it’s not people who have anything worthwhile to say. In all my time on this app I’ve never seen anything like it.

Now look at the one review of this film I’ve given a like to. It all makes sense once you read it. Craig Rees is gassing himself up to make people wanna watch his movie.

Now, Tubi recommended me this. To their credit, I’ve watched a few of these public domain exploitation films (or, as I’ve always called it, PDsploitation) and I tend to give them credit where credit is due. There is no credit due here on Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge and director Rees knows it. The title is to cash in on the similarly titled Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey, which has similar plot elements and made a lot more money. I do wanna say the camera work is okay even if the costumes and color grading are strange, but if you’re going to try to inflate your own score then it’s not worth anything. I could argue that about rating your own movie as well - and I’m not a fan of it - but at least you show pride in your work with that. This has poor sound, stilted acting and dialogue, and drags on so much that I think you have no heart in your project, and that’s the saddest thing of them all. A shame.

This was so bad I love this shit

This was so bad I love this shit

Yup, add it to the Poohniverse

Yup, add it to the Poohniverse