why did they feel the need to leave every door open

why did they feel the need to leave every door open

comfort rewatch↻

i feel like i've spent the past year pretending at being a human being. but over these last few months that pretense has been wearing me thin. i go out and it's like i'm not even there. i'm anywhere else. i wish i was somewhere else, someone else. a usual feeling for me. deep melancholia. my closest friend. i was a solitary child. i have always been a solitary woman.

"but you are a great sinner, that's true," he added almost solemnly, and your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing." (dostoevsky)

things are falling into place in my life right now and i have this tendency, when things are going good – too good – to wait for the other shoe to drop. to hyperfixate on something and make a home in my own misery. i 🩷 my own misery.

i guess i thought, after everything, i'd be happier. i guess i hoped, after everything, i'd be happier. after everything. but happiness has always been a foreign concept to me. and lately contentment escapes me too.

i'm restless. it's embarassing. i forgot who i am. no man gets everything. i'm getting greedy.

whatever. i have work tomorrow. 12am. today.

comfort rewatch↻

i feel like i've spent the past year pretending at being a human being. but over these last few months that pretense has been wearing me thin. i go out and it's like i'm not even there. i'm anywhere else. i wish i was somewhere else, someone else. a usual feeling for me. deep melancholia. my closest friend. i was a solitary child. i have always been a solitary woman.

"but you are a great sinner, that's true," he added almost solemnly, and your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing." (dostoevsky)

things are falling into place in my life right now and i have this tendency, when things are going good – too good – to wait for the other shoe to drop. to hyperfixate on something and make a home in my own misery. i 🩷 my own misery.

i guess i thought, after everything, i'd be happier. i guess i hoped, after everything, i'd be happier. after everything. but happiness has always been a foreign concept to me. and lately contentment escapes me too.

i'm restless. it's embarassing. i forgot who i am. no man gets everything. i'm getting greedy.

whatever. i have work tomorrow. 12am. today.

I hope I go to heaven cuz the usual depiction of hell won't be big enough for me and you, Freud.

I hope I go to heaven cuz the usual depiction of hell won't be big enough for me and you, Freud.

comfort rewatch while i'm sick in bed and it's badly wanting to sneak a spot back into my top four favourites.

brown noise. vacuum. silence, like the silence after a car accident, when your ears are ringing and you can hear everything and nothing. a loneliness so big it lives outside you, becomes your roommate and your friend and your lover. a loneliness so big you don't know yourself without it.

blurred lines. desire. transference. want. "a person meets their destiny trying to avoid it." soft to the touch. youth. cycles. choices.

if you don't talk about it, it didn't happen.

joe – the fool, the page of wands & the page of wands reversed

margaret – two of swords, four & five of cups

"you're not so great on your own, are ya?"

comfort rewatch while i'm sick in bed and it's badly wanting to sneak a spot back into my top four favourites.

brown noise. vacuum. silence, like the silence after a car accident, when your ears are ringing and you can hear everything and nothing. a loneliness so big it lives outside you, becomes your roommate and your friend and your lover. a loneliness so big you don't know yourself without it.

blurred lines. desire. transference. want. "a person meets their destiny trying to avoid it." soft to the touch. youth. cycles. choices.

if you don't talk about it, it didn't happen.

joe – the fool, the page of wands & the page of wands reversed

margaret – two of swords, four & five of cups

"you're not so great on your own, are ya?"

comfort rewatch :’)

comfort rewatch :’)