Phantom Thread

i think that this is my new favorite film of all time, and i think it's because i see myself as reynolds, and see this movie is representative of my last romantic relationship to some degree, though unlike reynolds and alma we did not adapt to survive in our codependent relationship. there are two ways in which i see myself in reynolds: his codependency on those around him, especially alma, and his clear-cut mood disorder that impacts all of his relationships. a, codependency - reynolds requires three main things in all of his relationships; control, structure, and emotional caretaking. i, too, require these three thins in all of my relationships. i am often overbearing on friends and partners, and find myself getting into arguments within those relationships regarding my needs and how they are unmeetable for most. through therapy i have learned to identify these things and work around them, but from ages 12-17 i struggled maintaining any type of relationship as a result of these needs. b, mood disorder - reynolds is often irritable, blunt, and difficult to be around, and not to be purposely malicious, it's just who he is. i suffer from a mood disorder which presents itself in this way extremely often. this makes point a even worse, because if my three major needs are not being met, just like reynolds, i become somewhat explosive and little things trigger massive reactions. the movie does a very good job of not justifying this behavior or making the audience sympathize, as it is obviously unhealthy and inexcusable behavior, and instead shows how loving someone with these traits can be exhausting and take a massive toll mentally. it doesn't present the effects reynolds' mood as abuse or indifference necessarily, it just portrays it as a massive strain on reynolds and alma's relationship. c, how this relates to my last relationship - i didn't realize how much my perspective on this movie would change until after the breakup. watching it now feels less like watching people learn to love each other through unhealthy habits, and more like revisiting a pattern i literally lived inside of. love in the movie is all about routine and emotional dependence, not the usual tenderness expressed in most movies. their connection isn't always explosive or openly dramatic, it's tense, controlled, constantly on the edge of irritation, and quietly taking a toll on both sides. this feels exactly like my last relationship. i don't think i was evil or cruel, but i can't imagine i was easy to be around or live with. my moods probably made the relationship feel unpredictable and if i had to guess made her feel like she was walking on eggshells. i needed reassurance and patience constantly, often more than is reasonably possible. and like reynolds, i struggled with knowing how to ease up with my needs and certainly struggled to understand them. the breakfast scene really sticks out. alma wasn't doing anything wrong but every little thing she did irritated reynolds in his carefully controlled space. this mirrors several moments i can recall with my ex, moments in which i became a source of tension just by being there, or moments where i seemed fine until one little comment or thing set me off. seeing this from an outside perspective, the perspective of the audience, i don't understand why she was with me as long as she was. i was extremely codependent and i can see now how that meant i didn't just want love, but needed it to regulate me. the most upsetting part that i saw myself in was the poisoning. alma makes reynolds weak so that he will need her and the relationship can be set back in balance. in my relationship when i felt myself losing control or connection, i became more distressed, which only pulled my partner closer to me until closeness became obligation and not choice. love turned into caretaking. what this film does so perfectly is that it shows that two people who love each other so deeply can still create something so extremely unstable that it is unsustainable. reynolds and alma don't break up, they accept their dynamic. while the behavior i've discussed here weren't the primary cause of the breakup as far as i know, i can only assume that my partner's slow realization that love was being used to hold things together that should have been addressed differently played a significant factor. watching this movie now, i don't feel worse about my situation, i don't feel judged, i feel seen. the movie reminds me that my codependency doesn't come from malice, it's not a purposeful part of my soul that rips apart every relationship i'm in, it comes from fear and instability and my unwavering wish to be held down and told that everything will be alright. but, it also reminds me that being loved shouldn't require the other person to hold the entire weight of my emotional world on their shoulders. knowing this, recognizing myself and my patterns in this movie, i see that this way i was living doesn't have to continue. it's weird, but recognizing myself in one of my favorite movies is feeling like the first honest step away from my old self. i think it'll be alright.