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Day 352 of 365 of my year long challenge

Week 51: B is for BAD
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The ultimate in zen filmmaking, The Roller Blade Seven is amongst the very worst films of all time. The catch is, there are no redeeming qualities. The Roller Blade Seven simply sucks.

Taking place in the Wheelzone, Hawk Goodman (Scott Shaw) is tasked with saving his sister, Sister Sparrow Goodman, from the evil overlord Pharaoh (William Smith). Along the way, Hawk must do battle with rollerblading ninjas, gangs and Sly's brother Frank.

Everything here is absolutely bonkers but as I believe it, that really is the point. Shaw and Donald G. Jackson set out to make a piece of art and they seem damn sure they've made one through the process of zen filmmaking. Now, for those caught unaware, zen filmmaking is the process of making a film without a script. In other words, you make it up as you go along and hope to God something good cames of it all. It did not.

Shaw seems to have stopped maturing at 14 and acts like every kid's heroic fantasy but not nearly as dashing. Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez, the forgotten siblings of Hollywood greats, make their appearances as the disturbed and disturbing evil-doers, and everyone else seems to have been pulled from a nearby rehab centre for once-upon-a-time almost actors. No one looks good here and the lucky few get out uncredited.

Since there was no actual plan as to how The Roller Blade Seven was meant to be made, the film falls apart in a vaguely dream-like fashion with repeated shots, drug-fueled trips and random "experimentation". The shots don't always line up and they don't always make sense but they all service this post-apocalyptic, rollerblade mad world.

Fortunately, the film is rather light on dialogue. That doesn't mean Shaw and Jackson don't double down on some of the worst dialogue ever but it means you can go minutes without hearing it. That said, the lack of dialogue leads to an emphasis on action which then amounts to little more than 6-year-olds playing with sticks. It'd be funny if it didn;t hurt.

Yet, somehow, The Roller Blade Seven has two sequels behind it, an alternate version and a documentary. Granted, this all comes from Shaw's own pocket but still, that's a lot of rollerblades and samurai swords. Why do people think rollerblades are cool? They're really, really not. And neither is this.

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Day 352 of 365 of my year long challenge

Week 51: B is for BAD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ultimate in zen filmmaking, The Roller Blade Seven is amongst the very worst films of all time. The catch is, there are no redeeming qualities. The Roller Blade Seven simply sucks.

Taking place in the Wheelzone, Hawk Goodman (Scott Shaw) is tasked with saving his sister, Sister Sparrow Goodman, from the evil overlord Pharaoh (William Smith). Along the way, Hawk must do battle with rollerblading ninjas, gangs and Sly's brother Frank.

Everything here is absolutely bonkers but as I believe it, that really is the point. Shaw and Donald G. Jackson set out to make a piece of art and they seem damn sure they've made one through the process of zen filmmaking. Now, for those caught unaware, zen filmmaking is the process of making a film without a script. In other words, you make it up as you go along and hope to God something good cames of it all. It did not.

Shaw seems to have stopped maturing at 14 and acts like every kid's heroic fantasy but not nearly as dashing. Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez, the forgotten siblings of Hollywood greats, make their appearances as the disturbed and disturbing evil-doers, and everyone else seems to have been pulled from a nearby rehab centre for once-upon-a-time almost actors. No one looks good here and the lucky few get out uncredited.

Since there was no actual plan as to how The Roller Blade Seven was meant to be made, the film falls apart in a vaguely dream-like fashion with repeated shots, drug-fueled trips and random "experimentation". The shots don't always line up and they don't always make sense but they all service this post-apocalyptic, rollerblade mad world.

Fortunately, the film is rather light on dialogue. That doesn't mean Shaw and Jackson don't double down on some of the worst dialogue ever but it means you can go minutes without hearing it. That said, the lack of dialogue leads to an emphasis on action which then amounts to little more than 6-year-olds playing with sticks. It'd be funny if it didn;t hurt.

Yet, somehow, The Roller Blade Seven has two sequels behind it, an alternate version and a documentary. Granted, this all comes from Shaw's own pocket but still, that's a lot of rollerblades and samurai swords. Why do people think rollerblades are cool? They're really, really not. And neither is this.